World’s largest rabbit: “I’ve not been kidnapped, I’m just on the road to Jerusalem”

Caters News Agency

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The world’s largest rabbit, a continental giant rabbit named Darius, has gone missing from his home in the English county of Worcestershire. The World Record holder, who was bestowed the famed Guiness record in 2010, was last seen over the weekend and now his owner is offering a reward of 1000 pounds for information leading to his safe return. What she doesn’t know, however, is that only 10 miles away, Darius is hopping along peacefully on the road to Jerusalem. 

“I’m a very devout Christian,” Darius expressed, after we caught up with him. “People may recognize me as the world’s biggest rabbit, but what they don’t realize is that I’ve got a master’s in theology from Oxford. Another thing they don’t know about me: I’m a huge squash guy” 

Darius, who also goes by “Nebuchadnezzar, Servant of God” on various online forums and Youtube, hops along peacefully, energized by undertaking ahead of him. “I’m getting on in life so I decided that if I ever want to see the sparkling walls of Jerusalem, nibble the hallowed grass of Bethlem, or spread my droppings over Nazareth, that it has to be now. I’m going on a pilgrimage!” he exclaims.

Darius’ route is an ambitious one. On his way to the City of God he intends to make stops at other renowned places of worship such as Canterbury, Cologne and the Vatican. The trip, if he is successful, will take approximately 2 years, at which point he will return a wise old hare in the autumn of his life having sired families of children all across Europe. 

“I might be religious but that doesn’t mean I am chaste,” Darius says with a wink. “Procreation is the Lord’s work and I’ll do my part to raise a brood of god-fearing Jacks and Jessie’s.The thing about the Bible is that it didn’t mention monogamy when it comes to giant rabbits. So as long as I’m populating this sweet green Earth then St Peter will smile upon my bushy tail.”

As we begin to part ways with Darius, he asks us for help to message his owner to let her know that he hasn’t been kidnapped at all, he’s just on the way to Jerusalem. “I left a message for her but it’s only just occurred to me now that she probably can’t read latin, or the subtle aromas of my feces.”

This timing is ideal, as police have already taken in both the director, Guy Ritchie, and the actor, John Cleese, for questioning, related to the giant rabbit’s disappearance.

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