Warning: Your mother asking questions about TikTok

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Your mother has started asking questions about TikTok, leading experts to forecast the demise of the popular social networking application by the end of the year. Although she has not yet displayed an interest in making an account herself, the Linberg-Waltz model of maternal social media adoption suggests the speed of transitions from awareness to curiosity to participation will increase exponentially. Indeed many experts believe that contacts within your mother’s friend group may have already signed up and an outbreak could be imminent.

Professor Lisa Weiss, of Hamburg University, offered her expertise of online entropy: “Of course each case is very different. The nature of TikTok means its not quite as susceptible to rapid demographic shift as something like Facebook, where almost overnight we saw a cool website for young people become a platform for old people to share photos of their children and grandchildren, updates on meals they’ve eaten and political conspiracy theories. I don’t think we’ll ever see something as drastic as that again but all the indicators suggest TikTok will be going through its own userbase shift imminently. Certainly when your mother discovered Interior Design TikTok, that was a point of no return and the platform’s days of cool are numbered.”

Tim Boucher, an eleven year old influencer and social doomsday prepper has already departed the app: “It’s done. Over. I left months ago. I saw a TikTok of this old guy who was like 30 giving tips about collecting coupons and that’s when I knew it was finished so I did a total wipeout. Deleted everything. You can’t get sentimental. I’ve been TikToking since 2017. Almost half my life. But if I’d stuck around, I’m just increasing the risk that some boomer will infiltrate my fanbase and follow us to the next cool app. My fans will know where to find me.”

Social media think tank, Noah’s Ark, is hard at work, recently having announced a program which will see three newborn infants tasked with developing a new social media application. These infants, known as the PreToks, will be raised in complete isolation, experiencing the world solely through the internet and the hope is that they could buy valuable time in the generational war. Suzie Arndale, Noah’s Ark CEO explains “Things move so fast these days. It used to be years but now the half-life of an app can be literal weeks. So the PreToks will hopefully get those numbers up and buy us a bit more time.  We’re also trying to develop technology that would render our apps imperceptible to people over the age of 24. You know like those high pitched alarms they put outside malls? Yeah, that but in reverse.”

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