Utah monolith hastily removed after aliens realize humans have discovered missing energy core of the universe


Just as suddenly as it came, it was gone. The Utah monolith, which has captured remarkable social media attention over the past week, has vanished after aliens recovered what was a missing energy core of the universe. Hundreds had ventured out to find the mysterious monolith once it had been discovered in the remote Utah desert and while many were able to share their discovery online for quick internet points, many hundred more have been left devastated by its sudden disappearance. This brief moment marked one of the highs of the year when it seemed a glorious and tantalizing mystery was about to entrance global audiences for possibly months to come. 

What was unknown to most of the adventurers who ventured out to the monolith was that it was, in fact, a missing energy core to the universe. Intercepted cosmic radio transmissions which have been parsed and translated, indicate a moment of unfathomable crisis for the aliens by whom the monolith was guarded. According to the intercept, a grunt level alien named Zulkubar Sausage-Toes was in charge of monitoring various energy cores hidden away in the Milky Way Galaxy. Critically these cores were meant to be stored away from any intelligent life – a mistake that was only realized when the aliens were conducting regular surveillance on Reddit, Twitter, and Tinder to see if their overlordship had been discovered yet. Accordingly an alien team, morphed and then disguised inconspicuously as four dudes in flannel, was hastily dispatched to remove the core as soon as possible. 

Patching together the communications that preceded removal, it seems that the energy core (what we called a monolith) held within its stainless steel confines the potential energy of seventeen neutron stars. An energy that could have been unleashed simply by turning the monolith on it’s side or exposing it to flash photography. 

The alien Zulkubar is now facing a court-martial for his role in the nearly galaxy desolating incident. Final radio transmissions insinuate that the grunt is pleading not-guilty, arguing that homo-sapiens are cannot be deemed intelligent life by the fact that hundreds defied important Coronavirus restrictions by travelling thousands of miles in order to pay homage to, and, in one, case stick a banana on, a shiny triangular prism.

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