United Kingdom replaces high school exam with algorithm

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Secretary of Education, Gavin Williamson, addressed England’s ongoing GCSE results scandal: announcing that the government would be scrapping educational assessment altogether in favour of a more streamlined, holistic approach via a new algorithm.

With pupils being unable to sit their final exams, grades had been calculated using an algorithm which took into account teacher standing, previous results and the ranking of the school. The decision was a controversial one, with critics saying it amounted to little more than a post code lottery which entrenched inequality, as thousands of pupils saw their results downgraded and therefore missed out on places at university. 

The government was expected to backtrack and reverse their decision, however Williamson revealed that they would instead be doubling down and getting rid of exams altogether.

“For many years, exams have been a necessary evil, the cause of untold amounts of stress and uncertainty, reducing pupils’ values down to a score or a value. At last we can say ‘No longer!’ We can now announce that we are leveling up and Britain will be leading the world with a new model of academia.

As soon as a pupil enters the educational system, aged 5, this highly sophisticated algorithm will assess the pupil’s background and assign them a grade without the need for exams or years of assessment. The algorithm will output grades based on a number of criteria, including economic standing.”

The government has come under scrutiny for the cost of the overhaul, with a £500 million contract going to Tory-party donor Clement St. Clemens, and his company Smart-Learn, but Williamson is adamant that the short term costs of the algorithm will be recouped by slashing teaching budgets in the long term. “The algorithm allows for more focused spending. When you have a bigger picture of a pupil’s educational trajectory, you can better allocate your resources. No more wasting time and money on low performing pupils who do not offer return on investment.”

The plan has come under-fire with opposition leader Keir Starmer saying these “astounding levels of injustice and corruption render the UK a laughing stock” and “undermines the very concept of a meritocracy”.

“I should hope so,” says Williamson in response. “People love the UK precisely because we are an aristocracy. Imagine if Prince Charles had to sit exams to become king? 

As for injustice, quite the opposite. Currently we have a system where pupils could pay a lot of money for private schooling and not receive the benefits of it. Meanwhile a pupil may not pay any fees at a public school and walk away with better grades. That hardly seems fair does it?

The algorithm just makes sense and it saves everyone a great deal of time. The son of a lawyer is likely to be far more intelligent than the child of some halfwit plumber and the sooner we can address that the better.

The fact of the matter is that we have a wide range of abilities in our school and this algorithm will account for differing levels of potential. Some pupils will be best served reading Oliver Twist, others will have a more direct experience with a path that allows them to get into the workforce immediately, as opposed to wasting time on exams which will confuse and demoralize them.”

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