UK promotes latest comically named sex-freak to the role of Health Secretary

+1

Following the resignation of Matt Hancock, who was caught having an affair with his aide, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has appointed Roger Mybottom to fill the vacant role of Health Secretary. Mybottom, scheduled to hold the position for four to six years before becoming embroiled in his own sex scandal, is the latest graduate from the Margaret Thatcher Institute of Conservative Excellence. The Thatcher Institute is renowned throughout the world as a finishing school for bawdily named perverts who defy their image as sexless, repressed Ken dolls by destroying their political careers via lurid affairs.

The TI production line has given rise to the careers of Hugh G. Rection, Richard Long, Eric Sean, William B. Hardigan, Luke Athernockers, Lord Penis Asquith, Mike Oxsbig, Matt Hancock and of course, Boris Johnson himself. 

Rector John Smith III congratulated Mybottom on his new job: “We’re thrilled for Roger and his appointment to Health Secretary, continuing the school’s reputation for excellence. A lot of people look at British politics, they see the Dickensian freaks prancing around in their top hats and they think its merely the result of several generations of inbreeding. Well it’s not. A lot of hard work goes into moulding each one of our graduates.”

Former U.S. Congressman, Anthony Weiner also studied at the Thatcher Institution as part of an international exchange programme and credits their influence with “making him the man [he is] today.”

Recently however, the Thatcher Institute has found itself under scrutiny, following the Powers scandal, where an expose revealed that the establishment was making money under the table, by renting out its comically named toffs as extras in the Austin Powers films.

Nevertheless, Prime Minister Johnson was full of praise: “Once again the Thatcher Institute has provided us with another world beating graduate! However, as so often people are distracted by the funny name and the Tantalean thirst for hanky panky, I would like to stress the institution’s sterling pedigree for corruption. Roger is coming here, not just with a splendid name and an irrepressible johnson as it were, but he is coming here as a three time recipient of the Ayn Rand Scholarship, with an incredibly fruitful internship at Theranos and a fantastic academic record, including top marks for copying off the boy next to him!”

Enjoying our content?

Join our newsletter so you can receive our best content right to your inbox.

Subscribe here!