UK corruption scandal descends into yet another argument about class


Boris Johnson appeared to be on the ropes for the first in his premiership this week, following the “let the dead bodies pile high” scandal, which followed the Dyson ventilator scandal, which followed the Test and Trace scandal. Presently. the British Prime Minister has found himself embroiled in a scandal regarding the renovation of 11 Downing Street. Johnson and fiancée, Carrie Simmonds, are reported to have spent £200,000 redecorating their residence, with the vast majority of that sum alleged to have come in the form of illegal loans or fake charitable donations.

Whilst there was a real possibility that Johnson could be facing the consequences of his actions for the first time in his political career, those hopes soon vanished when opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer took issue with Johnson’s word choice in describing the former state of the residence as a “John Lewis furniture nightmare”.

Confronting the Prime Minister in parliament, rather than focusing on the obvious corruption in money exchanged for government influence, Starmer instead focused on Johnson’s dismissal of the high-end retailer, ensuring the affair descended into the time honoured British pastime of arguing about class: “Mr Prime Minister, I had my wedding registry with John Lewis and far from a ‘nightmare’ I believe it is a perfectly suitable place to channel misappropriated funds. In fact, the Prime Minister’s remarks show him to be woefully out of touch with the British people and unfit to serve as their leader.”

However, Starmer failed to realise that a knight of the realm would struggle to represent himself as a working class hero and his attack would not prove to be the knock out blow he would have hoped, as Johnson retaliated: “Aha! You see in seizing upon my verbiage, like a lusty maiden eyeing the turgid member of a stablehand, my honourable colleague Sir Keir has misconstrued my meaning. I say  ‘John Lewis nightmare’ only because the furnishings were too decadent, too profligate, too ostentatious for a crisis such as this, in which we must all tighten our belts and show that Blitz spirit for which we Britons are renowned across the globe!

My intention was always to refurnish the flat exclusively with fixtures from Ikea! That most wonderful, flat pack, DIY store that allows any solid working man to bask in his achievement at the end of the day with a well earned pint! Something which Sir Keir and his fellow woke liberal elites, with their John Lewis wedding registries and their £200 pound haircuts, could never hope to understand!”

Displaying the forensic intellect which made him such a renowned barrister, Starmer leapt to his own defence: “Mr Prime Minister, as the son of a toolmaker, I know only too well the virtues of a hard day’s work. Indeed my first television stand was one refurnished by father’s own hands and on it I would watch Only Fools and Horses and other working class shows, meanwhile, the Prime Minister’s upbringing bore more resemblance to the set of Downton Abbey.”
With the debate raging on for several hours, there was no time to discuss issues such as pay cuts for nurses, child poverty or the Conservative’s abject pandemic failures, however with the matter of “Who shops at Asda and who shops at Waitrose?” now resolved, the hope is that the argument about which millionaire is most authentically working class could at last be nearing a conclusion.

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