UK announces controversial “mix and match” vaccination policy

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The United Kingdom have announced a controversial new vaccination policy, which they hope will overcome supply shortages and stem the spread of the virus which threatens to overwhelm the country. 

Currently vaccination is to be delivered as a series of two injections, three weeks apart, however rather than rationing supplies in order to be able to fully vaccinate sections of the population as every other country on earth is doing, the UK’s strategy will be to partially vaccinate as many people as possible, completing the programme at some indistinct point in the future.

While surprising at first, this move is in keeping with the larger pandemic management strategy of the United Kingdom: breaking with international consensus to pursue a harebrained scheme, before quietly climbing down and following the established example.

This, however, was not the most contentious aspect of the strategy announced by Prime Minister Boris Johnson at a press conference yesterday: “Thanks to our world beating NHS, our world beating Test and Trace system and our world beating scientists, we are on the brink of victory in the war against this virus which is currently decimating our population in world beating numbers.

We should not be namby pambies worrying that we are following up Pfizer dose ones with Pfizer dose twos when we have a brilliant, British Oxford vaccine ready to launch! Therefore we will be mixing and matching as it were. It may be the case that you will receive the first dose of a Pfizer vaccine, completed with the second dose of an Oxford vaccine! The freedom to pick and mix, which we have lost ever since our beloved Woolworths left the high street. 

And should we run out of both vaccines our world beating mixologists are currently researching into whether we can create a substitute using some of the other, less popular vaccines which we have lying about the place. Perhaps the flu vaccine topped up with some vitamin C or something!”

However, Johnson was not done: “This brings me on to my final point, here in the UK, we are tremendously proud of our pub culture and that is why I believe that there is no one better to administer the vaccine than our country’s bar men and pintpourers. These people are the best in the world when it comes to working quickly and eyeballing measurements under intense pressure. People are different sizes and have different needs. We can say goodbye to wasting regular sized person doses on midgets and ensure that the nation’s fatties get the dosage they require!

Liberated from the tyranny of procedure and medical protocol, this will enable us to visually appraise the size of a person and deliver the precise volume of the precious COVID-bashing elixir required!”

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