U.S. President Donald Trump banned from internet

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Two weeks from the end of his term, the world’s corporations have woken up to the fact that Donald Trump is President of the United States and, following the lead of Twitter, are lining up to make clear that he is no longer welcome on their platforms.

Following the attack on the Capitol by his supporters, Trump was permanently suspended by Twitter, who judged his recent tweets to be an incitement to violence and thus a violation of their terms and conditions.  Other corporations were quick to follow Twitter’s lead and within hours Trump found himself banned from most of the internet, with Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, Youtube, Pinterest, and Reddit among the most prominent sites to initiate suspensions.

Finding himself comprehensively deplatformed and effectively silenced, the President took to Twitch where he would rant against liberal censorship whilst playing Duke Nukem II. This did not last long as he soon found himself banned by Twitch who expressed concerns about the effect violent video games were having on the President’s fragile psyche.

From there Trump jumped to Club Penguin, where he attempted to stage an online rally before he was banned with Club Penguin declaring “Penguins stand united against the climate of hate which threaten the ice caps of solidarity.” Trump’s online presence soon became a game of digital whack-a-mole with websites banning him as soon as he appeared on their site.  The ban did not end at social media with a diverse array of sites joining in to make it clear that the President was not welcome at their domain.

Spotify revealed that along with dropping Trump’s podcast, Confeferencing With Conservatives, they would also be suspending his personal account and deleting his playlist “Tough guy songs for rallies” which was comprised solely of “YMCA” and “Macho Man” by the Village People. 

Meanwhile Domino’s Pizza have banned Trump from the website and their rewards scheme, meaning he loses the points he had accumulated towards a free medium sized pizza. However they have since stated that he would still be welcome to place orders over the phone.

With his favourite forms of communication effectively wiped out, it is unclear how the President is taking this digital exile. A reblog of a “Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends” meme on Tumblr and a comment of “This is the only person who has been fucked more than I have” on a Stormy Daniels pornhub video offer the only insights into his delicate mental state.

With Trump now uncharacteristically silent, sources close to the President report that he is taking the time to find himself, engaging in mindfulness, with plans to self-publish the next great American novel.

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