Trump nominates twins from “The Shining” to the Supreme Court


Following the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, President Trump has moved to fill the vacant seat by nominating the twin girls from The Shining. Famously Republicans left an empty seat on the Supreme Court for over a year when they refused to confirm the Democrats’ selection of Merrick Garland as Antonin Scalia’s replacement, with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell saying “It is not right for a President to appoint justices in an election year.” Despite accusations of hypocrisy, the Republicans have moved quickly to seat the Grady Twins, less than two months before the election, with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell saying “It is not right for a President not to appoint justices in an election year.”

Speaking ahead of next month’s confirmation hearings, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee Lindsey Graham stressed the need for a timely confirmation: “The Supreme Court could be pivotal in determining the outcome of the election. Supreme Justice Ginsburg’s death leaves us with eight judges, which is an even number, and no way to decide a tie. I suppose technically in appointing both Grady twins brings us up to ten, another even number, but my point still stands.”

Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer addressed the Grady twin controversy at the end of a press conference, where he announced Democrat’s plans to declare March 15th, Ruth Bader Ginsburg day: “We are glad that President Trump is continuing Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s legacy by ensuring her replacement is female, however we are very concerned by almost every other aspect of this appointment. 

Firstly, I say female because we cannot possibly refer to the ghosts of these little girls as women. I highly doubt they were able to amass the necessary legal expertise to serve on the Supreme Court before their short lives were brought to an abrupt end at the Overlook Hotel. 

Secondly, humans live around eighty years on average while ghosts, as incorporeal beings, can endure for an eternity. So handing a lifetime position to a ghost seems somewhat against the spirit of the law and a little unfair. 

Finally, this move to stack the court by appointing two justices is an outrageous assault on our democratic norms. Trump should appoint one of the Grady twins or the other, but not both.”

When reached for comment the Grady twins merely repeated: “Come judge with us forever and ever and ever. Also abortion is the most evil horror that can ever be inflicted on a child and we cannot wait to overturn Roe V Wade.”

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