This is the story of a wealthy country that nearly lost everything and the anonymous degenerates who had no choice but to hold it all together


narrated by Ron Howard) This morning, Wall Street hedge funds were in a meltdown because the stock price of Gamestop ($GME) had skyrocketed. Why were the hedge funds in a panic when the price of a stock had gone up? Because they had tried to short it, by 140%. 

Just a week ago the share price was hanging around the $10 range and some hungry fund managers decided to try and make a quick buck by manipulating the stock downwards. By this morning, however, it was $350 a share. The reason? The due diligence of one prescient redditor and his army of loyal devotees attached to the r/WallStreetBets subreddit. An online forum for retail investors trying to fund themselves through college, put a down payment on their first (and only) house, or pay off their sister’s health bills. You know: regular people.

What had happened was a short squeeze. Enough investors were buying $GME that the price continued to increase despite, and largely because of, the incredible short positions Wall Street hedge funds had taken. With the prospect of losing billions, the funds were forced to use their influence to radically halt digital brokerage apps from allowing purchases of the stock, in order to try and bring the price back down, softening their losses. This unleashed an entirely new kind of anger among the intrepid retail investors over at r/WallStreetBets but also imbued them with the tremendous sense of confidence that their efforts were genuinely panicking the Wall Street establishment. Suddenly Americans everywhere began to take note. 

While a new battle line was drawn and legal challenges were launched against e-brokers like Robinhood, another battle took place, which was to ensure the unruly community of anonymous degenerates at WallStreetBets held their ground and refused to sell. As all corners of the country came together to participate, watch, and comment on this unreal phenomenon it seemed as though a torch of healing had been lit as the everyday investor began to threaten the hegemony of Wall Street. Something nearly everyone could get behind, even Elon Musk. 

This is the story of a wealthy country that nearly lost everything and the anonymous degenerates who had no choice but to hold it all together. 

“You didn’t sell the stock did you?” asked Michael, worried about the collapse of the squeeze if everyone took their gains immediately after the brokerages suspended trading.

“Of course not,” replied Gob, nervously. 

In fact, Gob had sold his shares of $GME so as to switch over to $BB hoping to be ahead of the curve and make even greater gains once the $GME short squeeze had concluded.

“Well make sure you hold,” instructed Michael. “We’re not going to the moon if you start selling now,” he continued, underlining his point by concluding with some ambient pejoratives.

Next Michael visited his Mother. “Mom, please tell me you didn’t sell,” he cried when he noticed her unusual good mood. 

She rolled her eyes, “Michael, don’t worry, I’ll buy back in on the dip.” Seeing the pain on his face she added “You didn’t really think we were going to pluto did you?”

Embittered and afraid, Michael fought back “Papa Elon is on our side. AOC and Ted Cruz both support us. We’re literally bringing our fractured nation together against the 1%. But it only works if we don’t sell.”

Lucille remained resolute, “I just thought the whole point of stocks was to make money. I’ve made mine and I wanted to spend it.” 

“Spend it on what?” Michael replied, exasperated.

“Chicken tendies!” shouted Lucille triumphantly. 

Michael stormed off, angry with himself he hadn’t seen this one coming.

Finally, Michael found his brother, Buster. “Hey buddy, you didn’t sell your stock did you?”

Confused, Buster responded, “Why would I sell my stock? r/WallStreetBets told me not to. I would never do anything to hurt the revolution” He smiled roguishly, “We’re going to Alpha Centauri brother! Look! I even have a diamond hand!”

Michael smiled, knowing that as long as r/WallStreetBets and his autistic brother held the stock they might still get to the Moon. Maybe even Mars where Papa Elon would be waiting for them.”

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