“That’s not a spike, this is a spike!” U.S. vows to outdo Canada’s Thanksgiving covid cases


Despite a clear template showing how mass gatherings over Thanksgiving led directly to a spike in cases, heightened restrictions and a potential second wave, the United States has vowed to learn nothing from Canada’s example and, as ever, ensure their celebrations are bigger and better.

Hank Anderson, of Maryville, Tennessee took time out from preparing a bathtub full of mashed potatoes to dismiss the idea that Canada may serve as a cautionary tale. “Let me tell you right now, there is zero chance we’re going to be learning any lessons from Canada. I didn’t even know they had a Thanksgiving until my brother told me. Thanksgiving in October? Ain’t that just Halloween? We’re not going to give Thanksgiving up to people who don’t even know when it is.”

Anderson bristled at the suggestion that Americans could still celebrate Thanksgiving without the need for mass gatherings: “And let some snow Mexicans show us up? Over my dead body! We took the Stanley Cup from them and we’re taking Thanksgiving back too.”

In the two weeks following Thanksgiving, Canada saw an explosion of cases due to family gatherings identified as super-spreader events. While contact tracing was almost overwhelmed by the advanced spread of the virus, Thanksgiving dinners have been identified as the exposure event for thousands of cases.

Trevor Reynolds from Hamilton, Ontario told of his grief at attending Thanksgiving while asymptomatically carrying COVID-19 which he then passed to his grandparents who have unfortunately since passed away: “This is the biggest regret of my life and I wish I could take it back. If I could travel in time or somehow celebrate Thanksgiving in November instead of October, knowing what I know now, I would give anything for a second chance.”

This testimony failed to move Anderson however, who remained belligerent: “One guy in Hamilton killed his grandparents by going to Thanksgiving? I don’t care! I’ll kill both sets of grandparents! I’ll kill my uncles! I’ll kill my aunts! I’ll kill my sister’s newborn baby! I’ll kill my whole damn family if that’s what it takes to show those Canadians that we do Thanksgiving best.

And you know what else? I heard Canadian corona only has a mortality rate of 23 per 100,000! Down here it’s 60.3 per 100,000! Let us know when you’re ready to join the big leagues Canada!”

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