Tater For All: Hasbro announces Potato Head rebrand

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Hasbro has announced their latest product, Tater For All, in an attempt to reverse the backlash which accompanied the news that they would be dropping the Mr from the branding of their signature toy.

“A lot of people seem to be under the mistaken belief that we removed the Mr from Mr Potato Head out of some kind of support for the non-binary community. Let me reassure you, that was not the case. What we saw was merely an opportunity for some free advertising at the expense of stoking the culture war and stirring up hatred against persecuted communities, maybe selling a few extra units to especially gullible consumers who can’t tell the difference between inclusivity and capitalism.” announced Lou Whitmer, spokesperson for Hasbro.

“Unfortunately, right wing customers are now refusing to buy our toy as they think we’re catering to woke SJWs and woke SJWs won’t buy our toy because they think we’re attempting to profit from empty gestures that nobody actually cares about. Here at Hasbro, we pride ourselves on being a devoutly apolitical company and we don’t want anyone to feel they aren’t able to share in the joy of a Potato Head. So to bring people together we’re delighted to announce our new product which truly reflects our corporate commitment to Tater For All.”

The Tater For All comes with an astonishing 481 customisation options and a range of accessories. Those who were concerned about the emasculation of a plastic vegetable will now be able to outfit their potato with detachable penises, in 19 different sizes and shapes. Additionally for the first time, Potato Heads will be able to showcase their ideological beliefs, with stills showing Tater For All wearing both a MAGA hat and a Black Lives Matter armband, with other images displaying the toy wearing a kippah over the top of a burka. Of course Potato Heads are renowned for their varied configurations, not just their different accessories, and one still shows how the Tater For All is about to wear a facemask over its mouth, under its nose or even over its posterior.

“Let’s be clear, Tater For All Has no values beyond the almighty dollar. This is a potato who believes that trans spuds matter. But who also wants to protect female potatoes’ rights. This is a spud who thinks that the assault rifles weren’t around at the time the second amendment was written. But who also thinks that the only thing that can stop a bad yam with a gun, is a good yam with a gun. For the first time, we have a spud who truly reflects our polarised country. Finally, a spud who can be whatever you want him/her/them to be.”

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