“Special Relationship? I was just one of his many ex-lovers” – Prince Michael

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Prince Michael of Kent, cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, is under public scrutiny for allegedly taking bribes to facilitate access with Vladimir Putin, using his status as a member of the Royal Family. Prince Michael, who speaks fluent Russian and is descended from the family of Tsar Nicholas II, is alleged to have advertised a special relationship with the Russian President. But, in an effort to distance himself from these accusations, he has now suggested that this claim is simply a dramatic embellishment. In his own words, Prince Michael was just “one of his many ex-lovers.” 

The shocking revelation certainly achieved its goal of burying the allegations of bribery but a whole new barrage of scandal has engulfed the Prince. From politicians to the press and public, the entire country has been caught up in fierce speculation which has set the Royal Family on edge, only slightly less than when Prince Harry married a Moor. With postulations rampant, the leading theory had quickly become that Putin must have seduced Prince Michael back during his days in the KGB. This theory, in turn, spun further extrapolations that ranged from editorials, to salacious fanfiction, tabled legislation, and even the screenplay for a rom-com. 

In a desperate need to quell the rumours before they got even further out of hand (see: screenplay) Prince Michael has been forced to go public again to clarify his prior remarks about his relationship with Vladimir Putin. Speaking on Panorama, the Prince confessed that “While I may have loved him, in fact I was madly obsessive about that hot Russian sausage, I don’t believe he ever knew I existed.”

In a story that has kept delivering bombshell after bombshell this final turn did not let up on the incredible scandalous pace. Not only does it appear that the minor royal was advertising a close personal proximity to Vladimir Putin but apparently the veracity of this claim is a result of the years Prince Michael spent as the Russian President’s stalker. “I can’t say we ever consummated my affection for that broad-chested devil but on one distinct occasion I managed to find myself in his private chambers for half an hour where I rolled around in his bed, steeped myself on his parfum, and left a lip-stick kiss on his bathroom mirror. Another time I was able to follow him into the men’s room and as we both stood against the urinal with our todgers in hand, I made fierce eye contact until he nervously excused himself. And would it truly be love if I didn’t send him at least a few notes cut from magazine clippings to express how prepared I was to kill his dog in my quest for his affection?”

The Royal Family has yet to comment on these latest revelations but it is only so long they can continue to hide behind their mourning for Prince Philip and grief for Prince Harry “who was taken from them.”

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