Space Force commander warns of marxist Martians

+1

A Space Force commanding officer has been fired for a public rant about Marxism, in the process inadvertently revealing the existence of aliens.

“Listen, I have to speak up. The situation on Mars, that ain’t right,” declared Lieutenant Commander Matthew Lohmeier. “We got a real unnatural situation up there with those fellas on Mars. They’re sharing the products of their labour, they’ve overthrown the hegemony of capitalism and we gotta put a stop to that.”

Faced with questions about the existence of the aliens themselves, Lohmeier continued “They’re up there reading the Communist Manifesto and they’re reading Das Kapital and they’re criticizing the works of Adam Smith and that just ain’t right. I don’t know how it was they got those books but they sure got them now and we gotta stamp that out before they spread that shit to earth.”

Lohmeier claims to have observed life on Mars from the bridge of the USS Ivanka, one of the spaceships commissioned by President Trump with the mission “to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go and believe me, it’s a surprise folks, but nobody has gone there before. I know! They haven’t gone there. We don’t know if they’re scared or they’re lazy maybe but they haven’t gone there. And we’re going to go there very boldly. You know, people always say, Donald, you’re so bold and it’s true. Many people say I’m the boldest president ever. Anyway, in terms of space, we haven’t been there yet but we’re going to be going there very, very soon.”

Whilst his claims remain unsubstantiated, Lohmeier reports seeing Martians with Che Guevara posters in their bedrooms, others waving red hammer and sickle flags and others more receiving universal healthcare. “That’s how we know they’re likely a young civilization as most societies grow out of that kind of political naivety in their teen years. But don’t let that fool you, we cannot allow the Martians to spread the hateful ideology of Marxism and their divisive Critical Race Theory to God’s green Earth. That is why I proposing we nuke Mars immediately to ensure the future of the human race.”

Whilst Lohmeier was fired by the U.S. Air Force, House Republicans have rallied around the officer, insisting that he be reinstated if President Biden is to prove himself “tough on aliens.”

Enjoying our content?

Join our newsletter so you can receive our best content right to your inbox.

Subscribe here!