Satan delighted by April harvest including Bernie Madoff, DMX, and Prince Philip


Reports from the infernal bowels of Hell indicate that Operating Manager, Satan, is delighted by his April harvest of ripe new prisoners. Several high profile sinners such as ponzi-scheme architect, Bernie Madoff, and misanthropic rapper, DMX, are joining the regular yield of anonymous degenerates and ne’er do wells for what Satan is already calling “a delightful vintage”. There remains a possibility that this latest bounty may be augmented still, as Prince Philip, the recently deceased Duke of Edinburgh and husband to Queen Elizabeth II, remains in purgatory, with bookmakers split about his chances to ascend to heaven or fall to Hell. 

Satan sees this as a watershed moment if he can convince God to cede him Prince Philip. “Prince Philip: I’ve had him on my list for a while. He would be a GREAT addition. I haven’t had much good royalty recently – and that stock is kind of drying out – he would be the crown jewel for my April Class of 2021. This is particularly important, because if I can win this one I think a lot of the other morally grey cases might fall my way and that would just be wonderful for the collection.” Asserting his claim, he continued, “I mean he DID order the assassination of Princess Diana, right? What an awful scoundrel.” 

While it can be difficult to comprehend the motivations of a being who fell from Heaven and now spends his free time assembling the various circles and tortures of unspeakable savagery in Hell, Satan speaks straightforwardly about his rationale, “When you’ve been in this job as long as I have, you start to pay attention to milestones and subtle changes. For instance these days I’m getting a lot fewer homosexuals and a lot more racists.”

“With so many people arriving everyday I like to designate them into classes, like you would for a graduation. Although I prefer to use the term ‘vintage,’ since it seems more cultured. It gives me something to look forward to and compare against. Sort of like a high profile sticker book.”

“This month I already have that no good carjacking, tax-dodging, DUI-driving, child-support-not-paying, probation-violating, animal-hurting, assault-ing, rapper, DMX, as well as the legend himself, Mr. Bernie Madoff. So April has been a good month. Add Prince Philip… well, that might be one of the best.”

“But, my job is to punish them and VIP deviants like these deserve extra special punishments. For instance, DMX is going to perform X Gon Give It To Ya without a break for the rest of eternity while Bernie’s going to learn and relearn the secret of alchemy before forgetting it every single day.”

In conclusion, Satan thinks this month will be one to remember for being notably full-bodied with nice shoulders.

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