Royals to follow up Oprah tell-all with Jerry Springer appearance

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After Harry and Meghan’s tell all interview with Oprah revealed cracks at the heart of the Royal Family, the Queen, the Princes and an assortment of regal hangers-on are flying to the US to settle the matter in the only way possible: a special revival episode of the Jerry Springer Show.

Springer’s infamous show has been off air since 2018 however he could not resist the opportunity for a return, believing only he could reconcile the broken family.

“The allegations we were seeing were incredibly serious. Accusations of bullying, of racism and just a toxic oppressive environment overall. The only hope these people have is to get it all out in the open on prime time NBC,” said Springer.

The cavalcade of Royals gave some brief soundbites to the swarm of journalists following them through Heathrow airport as they boarded their flight to Stamford, Connecticut and the set of the Jerry Springer Show.

The Duchess of Cambridge was first to speak “I’ll be honest, I’ve had a problem with Meghan since day one. I worked for years to land William and what did she do? Film a few episodes of a television show. She should know her place! And no, I don’t mean that in a racist way.”

Prince William however, seemed more ruminative in his comments: “I no longer recognize my brother. He used to be the fun guy, always on hand with a Nelson Mandela joke, always first to dress up as a nazi but now he’s moping about, complaining about institutionalized racism and the oppressive confines of the monarchy. It’s really sad to see how Meghan has sucked the fun out of him.”

Prince Charles remained diplomatic, electing to criticize the timing of the interview and accusing Harry and Meghan of “insensitivity to be conducting self-serving PR whilst my father lies on his deathbed.”

The aforementioned Prince Phillip did not travel to the US on the same flight as the rest of the royals, for reasons unknown choosing to travel by boat, in a box filled with soil from his homeland.

Prince Andrew also elected not to fly after visa issues pertaining to child molestation. He will be participating in the recording via teleconferencing however and took time to condemn his nephew for “bringing shame on the family,” as he saw his family off at the airport. Whilst it was initially thought that Andrew would be babysitting the youngest generation of royals, it was revealed that they would also be attending the taping of the show. 

Prince George confessed to harboring his own grudge with Archie and admitting he “can’t promise to settle his dispute with words.”

Accompanying the Royals are members of the British tabloid press who consider themselves “loving and concerned members” of the Windsor’s extended family. Among their number, an apoplectic Piers Morgan, “This nonsense, to be quite frank, that Meghan is spouting about being a target of harassment and racism… It’s just lies! It’s the fabrications of a mad woman! This is the least racist country on the face of the earth! Look at the Queen’s empire, she ruled over half of Africa! Hardly the actions of a racist. Ms Markle needs to learn some respect and shut her mouth. Suicidal thoughts? Pull the other one! That woman hasn’t had a suicidal thought in her life!” Morgan unfortunately missed his flight after flying into a blind rage at the site of a vegan sausage roll and losing track of time.

Also returning is Springer’s head of security Steve Wilkos. Wilkos was the breakout star of the initial run of Springer’s show, achieving great popularity via his spinoff, The Steve Wilkos Show. Wilkos didn’t necessarily see the return to security was a step down however, citing a “once in a lifetime opportunity” and “a unique challenge.” Wilkos continued:“It’s not every day you get to work with a family who have a reputation for murdering inconvenient spouses.”

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