Rogers launches “Don’t Talk” campaign to rival “Let’s Talk”

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Canadian cell phone provider, Rogers, today launched their brand new mental health initiative designed to be their own version of Bell’s flagship campaign, “Let’s Talk.” The campaign, branded “Don’t Talk,” dropped quietly late Sunday night and took hold well into the Monday afternoon all across Canada. Nationwide, Rogers customers lost access to their cellular networks meaning that they could not make or receive calls or texts for several hours.

Rogers Spokesperson, Andrew Garas, met the media today to launch the program and explain the messaging behind the campaign. “We wanted to design a mental health campaign that focused on introspection and the positivity that can come from being with yourself. Bell has taken many plaudits for years for their ‘Let’s Talk’ initiative but the flip side of that coin is that sometimes we talk too much.”

“Often we are surrounded by toxic ‘energy vampires’ and generally people needing us to do something for them. Like at work, or needing to pick your kid up from school. Sometimes it’s better to be by yourself. So we decided to turn off our entire cellular network to allow people to connect more with themselves and the people directly around them.”

Barely 18 hours old, the campaign has already received heat from pretty much everybody. Susan St. Cloud lost her husband today after he choked trying to swallow an entire carrot. They had been living alone in Northern Alberta for 40 years and had no children. She was unable to contact the emergency services until it was too late. She blames Rogers. “Don’t Talk?! Nice going dimwits! Now my husband is dead and I’ll literally have no one to talk to for the rest of my life.”

Mental health professionals and politicians also chimed in. Many counselors tried to reiterate that bottling things up and isolating oneself can have harmful effects on mental wellbeing while politicians declared that the initiative had cost the Canadian economy over $80 million dollars in just one day. More than one person missed their wine club delivery and rumours have it many thousand people are still downstairs at apartment buildings trying, and failing, to buzz up.

A minority of people were happy with the campaign, though. Adrian Humphries, who works at a call centre, was impressed with the campaign. “I think it really resonated with me. I really liked how it meant I couldn’t work today. Three day weekend! That was nice.”

Clive Ellis also appreciated the move. “So I was mugging this guy in Downtown Toronto. He had tried to duck down my alley to take a call. Big mistake. I was on him in a flash and took everything. Watch, phone, wallet, Fitbit, engagement ring, everything. It was touch and go for a second though. A lady appeared at the end of the alley and he shouted for help. For a second I thought I was f*cked, but then she literally couldn’t call the police. I was laughing so hard. So I gave him a black eye and walked off. Easiest mugging of my life. I even felt so bad for the guy I went back and gave him his wallet back. It was empty, but I thought he’d appreciate the gesture.”

Responding to the feedback on social media, Rogers posted a statement apologizing for the inconvenience but doubling down on their pitch. “Alright,” it began, “we’ve heard your feedback and it’s obvious we messed up. We really should have let everyone know, like, twenty four hours in advance, so that some of you could change carriers if you really needed to make a super-important call.”

“But”, the statement continued, “we feel very powerfully about this campaign. Introspection is healthy. Did you really…really need to make that call? We think not. Maybe an email might have sufficed. What we are really trying to perpetuate is one of the fundamental tenets on Buddhism. The ability to be comfortable by yourself, in your skin, with the world in front of you. #Namaste”

The feedback has left a mark though. According to insiders, the top brass at Rogers are considering a rebrand for 2022. A leading contender for their updated slogan is rumoured to be “Mom Can Wait.”

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