Rebellious, teen aardvark considering legally removing second ‘a’ from name


An adolescent aardvark has sent shock waves through his community by threatening to legally change his name after a tense altercation with his mother regarding his night-time curfew and choice of friends. Adam R. Aardvark, of Serengeti, Tanzania reportedly told his mum that unless she started treating him like a grown-up aardvark he was going to disown her by having his name legally changed to Adam A. Ardvark.

The acrimonious spat has been building over the course of several weeks and last night it reached a critical mass when Mrs. Adrianna A. Aardvark demanded that her son stop seeing his friend, Cyril C. Civet, and informed him his curfew was now a strict 5 AM. Being a nocturnal animal, Adam has been growing used to staying up into the wee hours of daybreak where he would catch a sunrise and enjoy the beauty of his environment in more than three colours. Unfortunately, he also risked becoming prey for some of the ecosystem’s daytime hunters, a fear that had been steadily building inside his mother for quite some time. 

Adrianna R. Aardvark is a single mother who herself was orphaned at a young age and has found it increasingly challenging to bring up her latest offspring. Having born three previous cubs (aardvarks bear one child a year) and seen two of them poached by humans while the third drowned in a flash flood, she can be forgiven for the protectiveness she holds over her fourthborne. “I don’t like the friends he’s hanging out with,” she says ruefully. “That Percy D. Porcupine isn’t a bad lad but Cyril C. Civet and Henry H. Hyena are bad influences. They get up to all kinds of shenanigans like watching sunsets and chasing their own shadows after daybreak. I think they’re also experimenting with MDMA.

I know I might come across as strict and unforgiving but I have to be. He’s a good kid and I just want what’s best for him. I want him to see twenty years, meet some nice girls and get them preggers before ambling off. He’s still so young he doesn’t know what life is about.” A tear begins to form in the corner of her eye,“I can’t lose another wee baby of mine. It will destroy me.”

Asked about these fears Adam played them down. “My Mum is like very controlling, y’know. She worries about everything. Like, I can’t go and burrow my favourite ants nest without getting an earful of ‘humans are the antichrist’ this and ‘hippos are faster than they look’ that. I am old enough to do whatever I want. It’s time she let me live my own life, treat me like a real Aadrvark, and stop smothering me with her insecurity. It’s doing my head in!” 

He concedes that his friends aren’t a conventional sort. “I do hangout with some characters. Henry H. Hyena has a wicked dark sense of humour and Cyril C. Civet is a mad DJ. They both come from broken homes but when you get to know them they’re good guys. We have some great laughs. Sometimes after doing MDMA with them I think they’re my soulmates.”

The Aardvarks have been a highly respected family since they moved to the Serengeti region in 35,000 BC. While their fortunes have changed over millennia they have remained a mostly good kind of folk renowned for their modesty and reliability. The only significant unrest being several hundred years ago when some broke away to form the Sackville-Aardvark’s, a branch that has achieved comparatively little except the idea that you should never leave them alone with your silverware.

At twenty months of age Adam has reached the legal threshold to change his name although he is still four months shy of reaching the age of sexual maturity. Nevertheless he has already reached out to some accomplished lawyers to get their advice on a possible emancipation. Privately, though, friends think he’s just going through a phase and if he changes his name at all it’s going to be something like Agamemnon A. Aadvark or something badass like that.

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