Reality retires satire writer to live on farm upstate

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Another satire writer was forcibly retired today, unable to keep up with the pace of an increasingly cruel and surreal reality.  Scott Robertson, 29, the latest victim, offered some insight as he was packed into the back of a crate and sent off to be ground up and fed to Harvard Lampoon writers. “Things move so fast these days, I was having difficulty keeping up. The headlines just got harder and harder to write. Nothing was too outlandish. Bolsonaro contracting coronavirus for the third time and being bitten by an emu? Trump boasting about his ability to drink water? You can’t make stuff like that up! But I think the final straw was the Canadian government advocating for the use of glory holes. 

People say it’s never been a better time to be a comedy writer but I think the opposite is true. Reality is the ultimate writer and there’s no way any of us can compete.”

Robertson’s retirement is the latest in a profession which is enduring a mass exodus. Many of his colleagues choose retirement or suicide, some, such as Wendy Li, opt to retrain as serious journalists. “It’s actually a lot easier. I’m basically doing the same job but without having to strain so hard to make things up. Also I’m making more money now and my parents are a lot happier.”

Opinions are mixed on when the entropy began but it is undeniable that the field has been enduring a downward trajectory for a number of years. “I like to think it started with the election of President Trump,” muses Robertson. “Here we have a walking cartoon character, a man who is too stupid to insult, whose ego and vanity knows no bounds, he’s completely bullet proof! I think that was the beginning of the end. But then some of the older guys have said things have been on the slide for a while.”

“They’re the lucky ones! Writing during the Bush Presidency? Man, what a golden age for satire that must have been! And of course the Clinton years! Oh boy, what I would have given to take a crack at Slick Willy?”

“Still, I don’t envy the younger kids coming through these days, it’s a very competitive field and you have to fear where the next generation will be coming from.”

Robertson has been one of the most esteemed writers in his field, leaving behind him a slew of classics including Equal Opportunities: Race No Barrier To Spouting Racist Opinions On Fox News and “Just One More Episode” says Couple Terrified Impending Game of Thrones Finale Will Reignite Dormant Sex Life. The hope is those pieces will be his legacy as opposed to Captain Hook joins Tik Tok, Annoying Orange Runs For Office: Trump To Seek Second Term or any more of his recent material.

“Am I pessimistic about the future of satire? No, if anything I’m optimistic. The night is always darkest just before dawn. I’m just getting out of the game now, I’ll take a few years off, unplug, relax on this farm and then who knows? Maybe I make a comeback in a few years time!” 

As the truck drove off into the sunset, it remained unclear whether Robertson was genuinely ignorant of his fate or if this was his attempt to wring one last laugh out of the cruel hand reality had dealt him.

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