Prince Phillip mistakenly slain by vampire hunter


Tragedy struck Friday morning as Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip was brutally murdered by the vampire hunter, Dennis Van Helsing. Van Helsing broke into Windsor castle, avoiding security and stealing into Phillip’s chamber before murdering the prince as he slept.

Dennis, great-great-grandson of famed vampire hunter Abraham, only realized his error after driving a stake through Phillip’s heart: “Traditionally vampires explode into a cloud of dust when you reach climax. Whereas Phillip just kind of flaked apart like some stale pastry. It was then that I first suspected I might have made a mistake.”

However, it was only after removing the head from the corpse that Dennis fully realized his error. “Beheading is another standard of vampire slaying. If all else fails, remove the head and that normally gets you your big dust explosion. Unfortunately it was right at that moment that the Queen’s Guard arrived.”

After a formal questioning, the guard proved understanding of the mix-up, though Dennis remains in disbelief: “I ran through the checklist! Pallid skin, sunken eyes, aura of death, strange accent. He had them all! If not a vampire, I cannot comprehend how this man wasn’t some kind of undead creature.”

Whilst Phillip’s passing will be marked with a week of mourning across the United Kingdom, a number of former colonies are instead seeing his demise as cause for celebration. A tribal elder, who met Phillip during a Royal tour of Papua New Guinea, stated: “In purely literal terms, no, he is not a vampire. But as far as I’m concerned, metaphorically, the British Empire and the Royal Family are the biggest vampires on the planet and as soon as we can scrape together his fee, we’ll be hiring Dennis to finish what he started.”

Phillip had survived several brushes with death in the past: his military service during the Second World War, a car collision with a mother and child, the shame of his grandson marrying a black woman, however an encounter with Dennis proved to be a bridge too far for the 99 year old prince.

Phillip’s passing was mourned by his descendants, particularly Prince William “As a staunch critic of overpopulation, my grandfather supported my Royal repopulation programme more than anyone. It is an absolute tragedy that he has been taken before his time, slain by some lowly commoner. In his honour, Kate and I have vowed to have one hundred more children. One of each year of the century of life he was deprived of.”

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