Osama Bin Laden cutout delights Olympic Medalists who finally have someone to witness their success


Besides spectators, the flag of the Russian Federation, and clean pee tests, what else would you be surprised to see at the Tokyo Olympics this summer? Probably a cardboard cutout of Osama Bin Laden. 

Yes, the globe-trotting cutout of the former al-Qaeda leader has been observed at the 2020 summer games over the past couple weeks. The cutout, which has also made appearances at an English football game and the Super Bowl, was first found spectating the Olympic Shooting Competition before being spotted at several other events during the course of the games. His presence seems to have spurred on many of the winning athletes, who have shared their delight that the cutout was present to see their Olympic success, since family and fans alike have been prohibited from attending the Covid-afflicted games. 

English diver, Tom Daley, who picked up Gold and Bronze medals, was elated to celebrate in front of the cutout, even blowing it a kiss from the podium. “This whole ordeal has been very surreal and disenchanting. A lot of where my success comes from is the fans who I can hear cheering my name – like they did Adolf’s at Nuremberg. Without that it’s been so frustrating! The fact that the cutout was able to make it, though, made such a world of difference and really inspired me to my two medals. I owe it all to him.”

The cutout was widely travelled at the Tokyo 2020 games, appearing at all kinds of sports such as Canoeing, Archery, Judo, Athletics, Swimming and even some of the debutant sports such as 3×3 Basketball, BMX, and Climbing. The cutout spent a number of days watching beach volleyball where he must have enjoyed the familiar presence of sand. Here he was joined by a familiar face: a cardboard cutout of Saddam Hussein. The pair of cutouts caught numerous glances and stares as they fiercely remonstrated several refereeing decisions and were nearly ejected after harassing the umpire with threats upon his life and the life of his mother, whose virginity they regularly called into question. Later on, they were finally ejected from the stands during a women’s doubles match for arguing loudly about whether the German or Swedish team would look better in burqas.

One sport the cutout ended up boycotting completely was women’s gymnastics. Headlines were made around the world when talented American gymnast, Simone Biles, withdrew from several rounds of the competition in order to protect her mental health. The move, and admission, did not make a strong impression on the cutout who sneered that if any of his twenty-six children had made it into the Olympics only to quit like a little alfataat alati tartadi albijamat kula yawm, he would have had them running suicide sprints through the mountains the very next day. In the eyes of the Osama cutout, an elite athlete is only an elite athlete when they have been able to calm the storm of their mind through jihad.

On the flip-side Osama was reportedly ecstatic to discover the brilliance of 13 year old skateboarder, Sky Brown, and her competitor, 12 year old, Kokona Hiraki. Both young women claimed medals in the Skateboarding Competition which also marked it’s debut as an Olympic Sport. The Osama cutout celebrated vigorously at the conclusion of their event and would remark to anyone he encountered just how keen he was on taking the young athletes as wives.

At the end of a successful sojourn celebrating one of the world’s most prestigious sporting competitions it remains to be seen whether the globe-trotting cutout of the terrorist mastermind-turned-sporting aficionado will pop up again. Many leagues and competitions will shortly invite fans to once again pack their stadiums which may leave the cutout without a seat unless he is willing to pay two-hundred percent on Ticketmaster for scalped secondhand tickets – which is one of the main inspirations for his hatred of Western Civilization.

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