On outbreak of seasonal flu, Coronavirus quarantines itself for 14 days in the esophagus of large orange mammal


Flu season has returned and, in a year which has already been rubber stamped with the seal of epidemiological crisis, another challenging few months of viral tetris lie ahead. But humans aren’t the only ones concerned by this year’s seasonal flu. The novel coronavirus, which has plagued humankind since January and ruptured many of our fundamental assumptions and understandings about society, is also taking precautions to avoid this year’s sickness and has already committed to quarantine for 14 days in the esophagus of a large orange mammal. 

The mammal in question is one which, having achieved a kind of worldwide celebrity, now resides in a pristine white habitat in the Columbia District of the United States. From this perch he continues to entertain the world with an incessant slew of ridiculous soundbites and divisive antics – polarizing global audiences. Some critics consider the omnipresence of this buffoonish character an indelible watermark signifying the decline of Western civilization; while others yet proclaim the tangerine-tinted mammal a second messiah.

For it’s part the Novel Coronavirus has addressed the issue of its quarantine with a prepared statement released to the press. “While I am unyielding in my desire to vanquish approximately 1% of the human population I must respect the advice of top scientists and doctors which is to quarantine after coming into contact with another virus. Fortunately the American healthcare system – which I regard as the most giving in the world – has bestowed upon me a brilliant quarantine facility that is spacious, gorgeously remodeled to hide the effects of aging, and with a regular supply of lunch and dinner from McDonalds.” 

The virus concluded that it’s quarantine was just as much about protecting humans as it was about protecting itself. “It’s just like wearing a mask, which I was quick to pick up on once Flu season arrived. I wear my mask for you and you wear your mask for me. Some may call it pride, but I do not want to contaminate people with the Flu because then my casualty numbers will suffer. Some say that they are labelling any hospital deaths as Covid to boost their numbers but I want to be straight: that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m aiming for a place in the record books but without using any cheat codes if you know what I mean?”

Because of the host mammal’s wellbeing there are concerns that he may struggle to see out the quarantine. While the Coronavirus itself clearly shares little concern for the state in which it leaves its host, armchair physicians and celebrity gossip columns are alight with claims that “he isn’t very young anymore,” and “his weight could complicate things.” Despite these speculations it must be noted that this celebrity mammal will have access to some of the finest (private) healthcare in the world. While he may experience peeling alveoli on the walls of his lungs, an emptied stomach where all the food and drink used to be, and a runny nasal faucet, it seems likely that a cleanup crew of steroids and a liberal use of bleach should restore his health to optimal levels.

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