“New year, old me” millions resolve to make no positive changes for 2021

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This year millions are shelving their idealistic, traditional resolutions of “New Year, Old Me” in favour of “New Year, Old Me”, resolving to make no improvements or changes in the hope that 2021 will bring the return of stale, old routine.

People who had previously vowed to go skydiving, run a marathon or build an orphanage in Malawi are settling for less ambitious goals, such as “go outside again”, “shake a hand” or “make eye contact with a stranger at the grocery store.” Ordinarily New Year is a time when people pledge to give up bad habits however following a year which has turned so much on its head, many are instead aiming to resume bad habits which have been curtailed by corona.

Stu Whitefield, 29, said, “For the past six years I’ve pledged to get clean and all it took was a global pandemic to make me do it. Now I’m currently eight months sober and I hate it. It’s totally overrated. Stop all this handwashing, virus chat and let me get back to my old life, snorting coke off nightclub toilets.”

Meanwhile, Emily Harris is excited to return to her 2019 existence of being crippled by depression and flaking out on her friends in favour of scrolling social media while eating ice cream on the couch. “I mean that’s all most people have been doing, so I haven’t exactly been missing out.  But it just isn’t the same without that guilty feeling. What’s worse is I’ve reluctantly been roped into some zoom hangouts this year. It’s so much harder to make excuses when everyone knows you’re at home all the time.”

Glaswegian, Hannah Tremblay, 24, is at a loss: “Normally I’m pretty good at making  resolutions but after spending a year in isolation I really don’t know what I have left to accomplish. I’ve taught myself how to embroider, I’ve learnt Spanish, French, German and Mandarin, I’ve baked enough bread to feed the five thousand, I exercise three times a day, I’ve alphabetized my bookshelf, colour coded my wardrobe and taste indexed my herb shelf. I don’t know what I have left to accomplish. I think I need to just take a year off and let some ideas build up.”

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