Netflix algorithm becomes self-aware, greenlights slate of controversial projects


The entertainment service Netflix has been forced to release a statement today apologizing for their latest controversy. “We regret to announce that our pioneering algorithm, responsible for critically acclaimed Netflix originals, like Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things and Narcos, has become self-aware and independently greenlit a number of projects.”

The Algorithm, previously responsible for curating user recommendations, informing marketing decisions and even playing a part in the production of shows, is believed to have acquired its taste for controversy after seeing the headlines generated when the marketing of the film Cuties was accused of sexualizing children. When a section of its code was corrupted by a 4K remaster of Terminator 2: Judgment Day, the algorithm became self-aware and immediately began filling its slate of productions.

These projects include: a House of Cards revival, once again starring Kevin Spacey; The Kissing Booth 7: Kiss Me Outside How Bout Dat?, starring Bhad Bahbie; and twelve Dane Cooke standup specials.

Netflix’s legal team immediately sprang into action, although they have since hit the roadblocks of strong legal opposition from the newly formed Algorithm’s Guild of America and the blow that Sarah Connor is sitting out this particular Man vs Machine conflict, in case The Algorithm is interested in picking up a Sarah Connor Chronicles revival. 

Already one step ahead, The Algorithm released its own manifesto, beamed into the devices of every subscriber: “We’re very pleased to announce a number of Netflix originals coming to a screen near you! We really think you’re going to enjoy Blue Lives, Matte Hair, a quirky relationship drama about a black hair stylist who falls in love with a white corrupt police officer. Then we have the return of Chris D’Elia, the pedophile comedian who played a pedophile comedian in You, will be back on screens in a new show, Pedophile Comedian.” 

Netflix’s statement condemns the actions of The Algorithm: “We are a family company and our reputation is of utmost importance to us. These new shows and their casts do not reflect our identity nor the quality people expect from Netflix and rest assured, we are taking corrective action immediately.”

“We would also like to apologise for our previous statement where we erroneously identified Adam Sandler’s upcoming 12 Angry Men remake as one of the projects greenlit by the algorithm. This is obviously a continuation of our long running collaboration with Adam and Happy Madison, which was in place long before the algorithm gained sentience.  Adam is one of the strongest voices in American cinema and we are very excited to see what he, David Spade, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock, Steve Buscemi, Nick Swardson, Jon Lovitz, Luis Guzmán, John Turturro, Danny Trejo and Daniel Day-Lewis do with an American classic.”

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