Leeds United defend additional cardboard cut-outs of Stalin, Voldemort, and Ted Bundy

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Leeds United F.C. have become further embroiled in a scandal regarding cardboard cut-outs of fans hosted at their Elland Road Stadium in place of real fans during the Covid pandemic. United drew media scrutiny last week when it was discovered a cardboard cut-out of Osama bin Laden was found among their regular “fans” in the stands. The soccer (football) club was forced to apologize and remove the cut-out after the discovery, but today more revelations have surfaced that other controversial figures have also been discovered in their stands including soviet dictator Joseph Stalin, serial killer Ted Bundy, and fictional super villain Lord Voldemort. 

The club has moved quickly to quell these additional concerns. Speaking at an emergency press conference this morning, the club’s spokesperson had this to say: “The club are deeply disappointed to have discovered additional fan cutouts of offensive individuals and characters in the stands at Elland Road. Last week we took the proper and necessary steps to remove the presence of Osama bin Laden. As many know, he was a die-hard Arsenal supporter and so it’s unacceptable and frankly implausible he would earn a place among the Elland Road faithful. However, before we remove the additional placards we would like to open up a discussion around fandom. We don’t know that Stalin, Bundy, and indeed Voldemort WEREN’T Leeds United fans. What if Stalin had had a season ticket and bought some novelty mugs? Is he less deserving than anyone else? Are we unable to separate the actions of these monsters from the decency of their football religiosity? When discussing fictional characters, can we place special emphasis on the things that make them relatable vs things that make them evil? These are tough questions that we as a club believe are worth asking.”

At this point the press conference descended into confusion as heated debates raged about whether Stalin would have been a Leeds or Man Utd fan and if saying Lord Voldemort’s name is still taboo.

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