Kaiju discovered planning to take over Earth, are only half a foot tall


The scientific community was rocked today by the twin discoveries that aliens exist, and are currently attempting a full-scale invasion of Earth.

The new findings were published in Nature by Professor James van der Beek, an obscure former actor who retrained as a xenobiologist for the occasion. These aliens have an arsenal of deadly weapons at their disposal, but despite their technological prowess they appear to have severely underestimated the size of the average human being. 

The largest “kaiju” (as Dr. Beek calls the individual members of their species) catalogued to date is only about eight inches tall, with the average invader clocking in at about five and a half inches. Much of their evolutionary weaponry, while deadly to smaller animals like lizards and chihuahuas, is effectively neutralized by the sheer size of the human body.

“You see, they have heat vision,” Dr. Beek explains, “but so far the only thing my specimen’s eyes have managed to do is hard-boil the egg I placed in its cage while it was trying to crack the shell open.” They also have a venomous bite, but the professor assured the scientific community that bites will cause only mild diarrhea and swelling in the infected area. 

Further cementing their alien nature is the fact that they are not carbon-based life forms, like most life on Earth. Instead, they are primarily built of thorium and strontium – something scientists hope will help the human race crack the secret to nuclear fusion once and for all. 

While Dr. Beek’s groundbreaking paper is the first record of these fantastical new creatures, he admits that the discovery wasn’t his alone: “I was at the beach with my daughter, who had buried what she thought was a crab in the sand. Imagine my surprise when a reptile the size of a large duckling dug itself out and began waddling in the direction of the nearest skyscraper!” 

Scientists from all over the world have begun flocking to their local beaches to try and find their own aliens – although whether they want to do research or keep the little monsters as pets is unclear at this time. As the invasion shows no signs of stopping, the US military has also begun research on tiny humanoid robots for Idris Elba and Sam Worthington to wage a hedgehog-scale nuclear war.

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