Jordan Peterson contract coronavirus, announces additional rules for life


The controversial Canadian psychologist spoke recently from the Serbian hospital where he is being treated for COVID-19, announcing additional rules via an updated re-issue of his bestselling self-help book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos. “I think [the book] was a great reflection of the era in which it was created and you can observe its success empirically from the sales figures. However, we are living in unprecedented times and the sustenance, that is to say, the succor, which many received from the book may no longer be filling the hole so to speak,” said Peterson in between spoonfuls of oatmeal, fed to him by his daughter Mikhaila. 

Despite being widely seen as a “lightweight pseudo intellectual” Peterson is clearly a figure of some influence, with the original publication of 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos selling over 3 million copies. Among his more popular rules were: “Stand up straight with your shoulders back,” “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them,” and “Do not bother children when they are skateboarding.” This new updated edition, retitled 31 Rules For Life: An Antidote to Both Chaos and Covid-19, will see the addition of nineteen new rules designed to cure the existential angst of a global pandemic. Included in this new set of rules are instructions such as: Rule 13) Wash Your Hands For At Least Two Minutes Using Hot Soap and Water; Rule 18) Stand Two Metres Apart As The Crow Flies; Rule 24) Wear A Mask To Prevent The Spread Of Respiratory Droplets. 

Peterson once again, though, finds himself under fire regarding the interpretation of his new additions. “Wash your hands? Is that literal? Heavens no! We find ourselves trapped in this incredibly fast paced society and with the forces of identity politics and cultural Marxism pulling young men in each and every direction I think it’s absolutely critical that they set aside this time to clean their hands and their minds.

Rule 24: Wear A Mask? Since the dawn of civilization, man has worn masks and I’m harking back to what is really one of our most primitive traditions. Joseph Campbell wrote about the Masks of God as a way for men to discover their true selves and that really predates COVID-19 by gosh! Decades at least!

A lot of people will say I’m claiming to literally have the antidote to COVID-19 but I think that’s not really a credible accusation to level at me. Obviously it’s a metaphor with the anarchic transmission of the virus being representative of the instability and isolation which comes from living in the twentieth century as a man, and a young man at that.”

Ordinarily subdued, verging on feeble, Peterson bursts into life at the implication that his book, 31 Rules For Life: An Antidote To COVID-19 might be a shameless cash grab: “It’s just a preposterous notion! To even propose such a thing is to really misinterpret my argument from its most fundamental premise and I would love to direct you to my seven hour long lecture on youtube where I get into this in more depth.”

Along with the addition of the nineteen new rules, there is one change to an existing rule: “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them” has been amended to “Do not let your daughter send you to a Russian gulag and feed you a meat only diet while she profits off your legion of naïve, devoted fanboys. Oh god please let me come home! I’m just so tired! I want to come back to Canada, I’ll use whatever pronouns you want, just please for the love of god let me come home!” 

However, before Peterson can respond to this amendment Mikhaila pulls the curtains around his bed shut and announces it is “time for the Doctor’s spongebath.”

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