Jesus and Kim Jong Un both praise storming of Capitol by pro-Trump mob


In an unexpected demonstration of solidarity, both Christian Messiah, Jesus Christ, and North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, have praised the storming of the US Capitol on Wednesday January 6th. Five people died when pro-Trump rioters broke through a police barricade and forced themselves into the capitol building as the senate voted to confirm, president-elect, Joe Biden’s election victory. While their precise motives are unclear it seems likely that they wanted to arrest or detain Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi, declare an election victory for Donald Trump, and then celebrate by holding up the closest Arby’s.

Condemnation of the riot has come in from all sides with Republicans, Democrats, Boris Johnson, and even former Hollywood heartthrob, Arnold Schwarzenegger, all taking swipes at the rioters for the violence and their truly anti-American, insurrectionist behaviour. 

Surprisingly however, two high profile world Leaders went against the general consensus and spoke out in praise of the riot.

Jesus Christ leaned serenely against a pillar as his stoic face was illuminated by flashing cameras. From the bountiful halls of heaven – which he has recreated near the Lincoln Memorial for a special photoshoot today – he spoke soothingly of the recent capitol riots. “Violence is never the answer. Or rather, it is never the ultimate answer. Violence should only be directed at those who deserve it most. In this case: Barack Obama, George Soros, and that Greta chick.

But these rioters are my children,” he continued. “They are very special and I love them. Like, real talk for a sec, this election was stolen from my dearest, darlingest boy Donald. It was conducted corruptly and was, like, just really unfair because too many dead, black people cast votes for Joe ‘I have more sons than you can take from me’ Biden. What else is the answer but to overthrow the undeserving and, like, break into the Capitol?” he mused whimsically.

“The betrayal by Mike Pence and other loser Republicans is a bigger betrayal than when Judas betrayed me – and let me tell you, that was a pretty big deal. So yeah, like, I don’t see the big problem. They should have just gone after Barack instead of the 80 year old witch, Pelosi.”

Across the world, the North Korean Supreme Leader looked glowing as he made a televised address in response to the capitol riot. While none of that speech was really worth transcribing the gist of it was that he hates America and is eager for the American patriot to “put down” the 78 year old rabid dog, Joe Biden, while simultaneously overthrowing the capitalist agenda which Biden platforms against. 

While Kim Jong Un didn’t specifically endorse a Trumpian platform he was clear that he was still seven seasons behind in The Apprentice and didn’t want to get further behind if Trump made a return to reality TV.

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