Jeff Bezos pledges $2 billion to fight climate change, 5 year old boy shockingly silent

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Entrepreneur and philanthropist Jeff Bezos has pledged $2 billion to fight climate change at the COP26 conference; however, a local 5 year old boy remains shockingly silent, stubbornly refusing to take ownership of his own contribution to the climate crisis.

The Amazon founder flew into Glasgow by private jet to announce his donation, proclaiming “we’re all in this together”, an attitude which is sadly not shared by Joshua Myers, the five year old boy who requested a brand new Lego set for Christmas. While Bezos is donating 1% of his net worth in order to ensure a liveable planet for future generations, the selfish Myers is refusing to match this contribution, by donating 5¢ of his $5 monthly allowance, whining “but that’s my candy money!”

Joshua’s parents, Lynn and Derek, spoke of their deep shame: “We don’t even recognize our son anymore. This just isn’t the boy we raised. Watching Youtube all the time, consuming single use plastics, eating a meat and dairy heavy diet. For the first six months of his life, he drank nothing but breast milk! It’s like he doesn’t even care!” sobbed Lynn Myers. 

“We’re just so grateful for people like Jeff,” said Derek. “He’s such a great role model, if there were people like Jeff and less people like my son maybe we wouldn’t be in such a mess.”

Kevin Siko, chief executive of British Petroleum, was also in attendance at the COP26 conference, where he announced the corporation’s aim to cut carbon emissions by 1.7% over the next twenty years, with a target of net zero by 2785. Siko also addressed Myers’ absence from the conference, condemning the five year old’s “lack of accountability and moral cowardice” which is “perhaps the greatest threat to the future of life on Earth”.

Bezos meanwhile showed the temperance and good nature which made him the richest man on Earth, laughing: “Yeah, we can wish the Joshuas of the world would do a little more, take ownership of their actions but unfortunately that’s just not the case. This is the generation who will really be living with the full impact of the climate catastrophe and yet they’re refusing to face the reality of this mess they made and pretty soon it’s going to be too late. It’s sad y’know cause for these kids there literally is no planet B. I mean I’ll be fine, Planet Amazon is due to launch in 2025 but what are these kids going to do?”

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