Irish court determines Subway sandwich a delicious treat to wash down a hearty dinner


In a surprise ruling the Irish Supreme Court today declared that the bread in a Subway sandwich contains too much sugar to legally meet the definition of bread. In what reckons to be a landmark case, with repercussions that are sure to be felt elsewhere, the ruling was distinct: Subway sells artisanal, confectionary sandwiches. While the decision has caught many off guard, the lead justice has already taken steps to advise how customers can continue to enjoy Subway in its new legal jurisdiction: as a delicious treat to wash down a hearty dinner. 

While in practice the ruling will only adjust the taxes which should be charged on a Subway sandwich, Justice Ciaran O’Foole had some more stern words. “Sugar is as sugar does,” he mused gravely. “As a society we need to realize that Subway is not just a harmless sandwich. It is a conniving, sugar-infused fiend which exploits our naive intentions and renders us vulnerable to an addiction of the most devilish sorts. It is indeed perhaps the greatest reckoning of our times.”

It wasn’t all doom and gloom, however, as the Justice was quick to offer advice about how to incorporate the revised sweet into one’s diet: “There is still a place for sugar in our diets and so much like similar confectionary sandwiches, such as Macarons, I would encourage my fellow Irish to make the most of a visit to Subway by grabbing a sandwich to have after their dinner. I personally enjoy a 12-inch Meatball Marinara, extra cheese with ranch dressing, after a Sunday Roast. Probably best to get the cookie and drink combo as well for best value.”

For it’s part Subway has already jumped on board this notion and several franchises are now advertising features to best complement classic Irish dinners. For instance, a tuna sandwich is recommended to follow a shepherd’s pie, while the classic Italian can be paired well with a fish and chips.

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