“I told you so.” Kim Jong Un takes credit for predicting Biden “rabid dog”

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North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, has added the title “Prophet” to his growing list of self-endowed honours. Yesterday, news broke that President Joe Biden had to relocate his two German Shepherds, Major and Champ, from the White House after Major had bitten a security guard and then swore at several staffers. Half a world away, North Korea’s dictator used the news to make a televised address saying “I told you so.”

Back in November 2019, Kim Jong-un had called Joe Biden a “rabid dog” and suggested that he should be beaten to death, in response to the former Vice President calling Kim a “murderous dictator” and then dissing his sense of style. 

Kim spent the first several minutes of today’s televised address clumsily adding a new medal to his jacket, which he turned into a kind of vaudeville homage with the punchline that he still executed three random guards for witnessing his comedy. Eventually, after his chief of propaganda was required to help append the medal, the Supreme Leader banged his fist several times on his podium before announcing “I told you so.” At this, millions of his impoverished constituents cheered, and some even wept, but when they had regained their composure it became obvious that no one knew why. From there, Kim employed a tactic little used in authoritarian regimes: embellishment.

“Thousands of years ago, I told you all that the Pale Devil President of the USA, Biden, would have a rabid dog. That day has come today. This is the beginning of the end for the US. Without his precious demons, Champ and Major, the President will surely falter and enter a spiral of callous arrogance, weakening his international alliances while attempting to create an isolated, petty fiefdom for himself and the Pale Devil race. Once that is complete we shall invade Alaska and beat them to death with sticks in the final movement of the revolution.”

The crowds then cheered and wept, and made love and danced, and wept and cheered some more as Kim announced his status as the world’s foremost prophet, bigger even than Jesus or Mohammed, and committed to starting a new religion, aptly named Kimism.

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