Halloween developing into major dilemma for anti-masker


On the cusp of Halloween, a local man is torn between his desire to embrace the spirit of his favourite holiday and his commitment to defy the government by not wearing a mask. With only a few days to go until the big day, Martin Harrington, 43, is still uncertain about how best to honour the holiday, whilst simultaneously signalling to everyone around him that he is a prick.

As COVID-19 cases continue to rise, current guidelines advise that citizens refrain from trick or treating, house parties, going on a murderous rampage, or sticking razor blades in apples (effectively the majority of activities involved in the conventional celebration of Halloween). Additionally, face coverings are recommended in any enclosed public spaces. This conflict presents an issue for the coronavirus truther and father of four, who calls it “a line in the sand.”

“This ‘virus’ is a bunch of nonsense. It’s all a brain washing scheme invented by Bill Gates so they can inject us with autism and make people wear masks that’ll turn us all Chinese. I ain’t wearing no mask.

But then Halloween is one of our greatest holidays and no government is gonna tell me not to celebrate it. No Halloween? Well that would be like letting the ghosts win!

I’m at a bit of a loss. If I have a massive Halloween party, invite all my friends, they turn up and see me wearing a mask then I’ll be a laughing stock. It doesn’t matter that it’s part of a costume, they’ll say I’m a sell out. I can hear it now: ‘What next Martin? Social distancing? Vaccinating your kids? Washing your hands?’ This town looks to me as the anti-mask guy and I can’t let them down. It would be like Santa Claus shaving his beard, which the maskers are going to make him do by the way!”

In theory, non-mask costumes could be a compromise, allowing the Harrington family to celebrate Halloween without misrepresenting them as people who care about the health of others, however Martin refuses to consider that alternative: “You mean face paint? No, we’re a mask family. In 1968 my dad lost a fancy dress contest to a man in a rubber Nixon mask and from that day forth he swore that no son of his would ever befall the same fate. We’re a proud mask family and that’s how we’ll stay. We’ve not touched face paint since then neither. Do you want to see the photos? I think he made a great Martin Luthor King. He was robbed.”

It’s clear that Martin has given the matter some thought, as his living room is covered with sketches, blueprints and prototypes: Bill Gate masks, dozens of horror masks with nose and mouth holes enlarged and Batman cowls are just a few of the options that have been cast by the wayside. However, with Halloween rapidly approaching, he is running out of time to reconcile his principles. 

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