Gwyneth Paltrow has transcended the need for bathing with her regenerative anal spray, available at $45/mL

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An important national debate descended on social media this week regarding the appropriate number of times each week that a person should bathe. Quickly, it became clear that the debate would be fiercely contested by impassioned voices from two major ententes: those that bathe at least once a day, and those that don’t. Some celebrities, such as power couple Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, sometimes known as Kuntis, denounced the need for regular bathing. With Ashton going as far as saying “If I don’t see grime, gangrene, or dirt – I’m not going to do sh*t” on live TV. On the other side, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson came out swinging, suggesting that if he doesn’t bathe at least three times a day it begins to ruin his friendship with Kevin Hart.

While throes of celebrities and common folk launched stinging barbs at each other on social media, the debate took a sharp turn once a particular voice resonated down from on high. Arriving, metaphorically, in a golden chariot, accompanied by several necklace-vibrator adorned pegasus and cherubs bearing vaginal eggs, came the glorious presence of Gwyneth Paltrow announcing a simple solution to the question. “Never need to bathe again with my Regenerative Anal Spray, available from Goop.com for $45/mL.”

“The anal spray allows one to regenerate from inside to out, starting with outside to in,” reads a post on GP’s Facebook page. “By cleansing one’s fecal microbiome the effects of a healthy ecosystem radiate throughout the body culminating with the removal of dirt, debris, dandruff, and deadly body odour from the outer layer of dermis.” It continues, “the Renegerative Anal Spray, priced at an affordable $45/ml requires application several times a day including before and after each bowel movement. Effects take up to three weeks to appear so it’s important to start applying well in advance of any anticipated dirtiness.”

While many Goop enthusiasts have immediately jumped on the bandwagon, promoting their purchases on social media with hashtags like:  #InsideOut, #BidetInACan and #Asspray skeptics are also urging people to think critically about any product that purports to be a kind of panacea. 

Dr Guy Regis from Johns Hopkins University, who hosts his own TikTok channel dispelling psuedo-science myths, cautioned his earnest audience to look behind the marketing. “The Regenerative Anal Spray sounds like a great idea but do we know if the science is legitimate? Have they done any double-blind studies? And what was the sample size? Are there any risks to administering the Anal Spray orally? I’m not suggesting it isn’t a complete solution to bathing – and the ability to save trillions of litres on global water consumption would be a miracle – but it’s worth looking under the hood. Until it’s peer-reviewed I will personally have to give it a pass. Which is fine because I already guarantee my cleanliness using DoveBody Wash For Men – with special activated charcoal formula, which I am legally obligated to admit I have been paid to recommend you.”  

The Regenerative Anal Spray, available for $45/mL, is not FDA Approved.

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