Generation of children growing up learning their ABCs by Covid Variants


A generation of children growing up in English speaking countries are beginning to learn their ABC’s using the names of Covid Variants. With the recognition of the Mu variant, initially discovered in Colombia, there are now nine designated variants of interest being tracked by the WHO with dozens more that could be added in the near future, as the northern hemisphere continues to battle vaccination rates moving into Autumn and Winter. 

The movement is already so advanced that an official, CDC sponsored book is expected to be published next year. The unfinished book will likely draw on material which has become popularized through social media and if that is an indication of what is to come we could be looking at something like this:

“A is for Alpha, the Ancestor variant; B is for Beta, the Brother variant; D is for Delta, the Deadly Variant; E is for Eta, the Extra Variant.”

Some critics have taken issue with the fact the heuristic has a deviating metronome and insist that the publishers should find a way to set the rhythm to a regular iambic pentameter to help teach children not only their Alphabet but also subliminally reinforce the brilliance of classic English Literature. Others have noted that the learning device will naturally date itself, and children of it’s generation since, it will only stay relevant for the next year or two. Many celebrities and influencers, though, have come out in fierce support of the idea. Oprah Winfrey has announced a regular segment on her show dedicated to teaching the rhyme, while Joe Biden has tweeted that anyone critiquing the idea should “spend some serious time contemplating what’s worth wasting their energy on, Mack! I haven’t delivered income parity yet so maybe focus on that.” The controversial rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has began posting a letter-a-day rendition to his Facebook wall with the caption “it’s time these adorable little bitches finally figured out how to speak good English” 

Regrettably the adoption of the new learning heuristic comes with some pitfalls. Most obviously the fact that seventeen letters are currently unaccounted for. To overcome this, some practitioners have begun to improvise novel solutions to this conundrum by utilizing words like Coronavirus for the missing C, and Vaccine for V. A subset of the movement, however, have completely redesigned the learning device for their own political motives. The mostly home-schooled crowd have issued a new version wherein Liberty has replaced Lambda, H is Hoax, and either Anti-Vax or Anti-Mask stands for A. Experts surmise that besides a general decline in erudition levels for this coming generation the result of this could enshrine a distinct class boundary based on whether a person uses the phrase Plandemic to mean Pandemic.

Below is an unofficial list aggregated from various social media sources:

A – Alpha Variant
B – Beta Variant
C – Coronavirus/Covid-19
D – Delta Variant
E – Eta Variant
F – Fatal
G – Gamma Variant
H – Highly Contagious
I – Iota Variant
J – Johnson & Johnson
K – Kappa Variant
L – Lambda Variant
M – Mu Variant
N – Never trust Donald Trump
O – Other people may carry Covid
P – Pfizer
Q – Quit doubting the legitimate science behind vaccines
R – Risky behaviour to hang out in busy indoor settings without a mask
S – South Africa
T – Thoughtfulness
U – United Kingdom / United States
V – Vaccine
W – Wearing masks
X – X-Ray
Y – You can still pass Covid to others even if you’re vaccinated
Z – Zebras can’t catch Covid

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