Elon Musk shelves Neuralink upon learning pig thinks he’s “a fucking dweeb”

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Elon Musk unveiled his revolutionary neural implant prototype at a Neuralink presentation event earlier yesterday. The device takes the form of a microchip, implanted in the brain, which allows for thoughts to be displayed visually. Heralded by Musk as a “game changer” Neuralink is in the early stages of development but shows limitless potential, with the possibility to revolutionize medicine, communication and indeed life as we know it. 

In addition to the auditorium of shareholders, academics and journalists, thousands streamed the event online to see the first public demonstration of the device, which is being trialed on three pigs. However the program was immediately and indefinitely suspended where it was revealed that one of the pigs thought Musk was a “fucking dweeb”.

The activation of the prototype was expected to be a historic moment, with Musk predicting the first transcribed animal thoughts would go down in history as “One small thought for a pig, one giant leap for mankind.” However it did not unfold quite as planned when the pig’s thoughts, broadcast to the world, were revealed to be “Here comes that fucking dweeb again. I can’t wait for the next season of Rick and Morty so he’ll stop poking around in my brain.”

Musk made a mad dash to the pig-pen and immediately pulled the plug both literally and metaphorically, announcing the indefinite suspension of the neuralink program. Unfortunately whilst the live transmission of porcine thoughts was halted, the last broadcast thoughts of the pig were frozen on monitors around the screen, meaning Musk gave the remainder of the presentation to a backdrop of “Reddit Tony Stark asshole…”

The atmosphere around the conference hall was one of disappointment, however after wheeling the pigs off stage, a flushed Musk did attempt to get the audience back onside: “While we regret that this hasn’t been the successful launch for Neuralink that you might have hoped for, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the launch of our new product: Epic Bacon Sandwiches!”

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