Elon Musk and Grimes break up, Tesla debut new range of robot girlfriends


Following the news that billionaire Elon Musk and musician Grimes have ended their three year relationship, comes the announcement that Tesla will be launching a new range of robot girlfriends.

“Since the dawn of time, men have been dependent on women to validate them socially, do their laundry and have sex with them. Well not any longer. Tesla is moving into the market of artificial companions with our new product FÜKDØL,” revealed Musk. “The ultimate girlfriend, FÜKDØL will never tell you to respect pronouns, won’t ever get her period or anything gross like that and won’t ever make you listen to her shit music. Most importantly, she will never dump you.”

The announcement was greeted with great enthusiasm by teenage boys and adult men heavily invested in Dogecoin alike, however it is unlikely that either of those demographics will be able to afford the $55,000/1.15 BTC retail price. “It might seem costly at first but it’s a premium product!” laughed Musk, “And when you add up the amount of money your average man spends on dates and/or prostitutes, the FÜKDØL is actually saving money!”

Musk also revealed that he would be replacing Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics, which prevent robots from harming humans, with Elon’s Dank Commandments of Robotics, including “A FÜKDØL shall always laugh at my jokes.”, “A FÜKDØL shall always refer to me as Daddy” and “No FÜKDØL shall be able to say the words “I think that’s enough Rick & Morty for today, can you help me with the baby?”,

This has led to great criticism from the robotics community, with experts accusing Musk of reckless disregard for his customers’ safety as it emerges there are already reports of FÜKDØLs ripping their owners genitals and/or heads off. “Those are just a bunch of pedoguys!” dismissed Musk “Every beta test has its teething problems. The BDSM settings require some finetuning but we should have a patch ready by early 2022. Besides, would it really be an authentic AI if we weren’t worried about a possible uprising? Blade Runner baby! LOL! Epic!”

David Wallace, professor of robotics at M.I.T. also addressed a number of ethical issues with the new Tesla product: “This needs a full evaluation before we can even consider making this product commercially available. Robots were originally designed for jobs too dangerous or detrimental to human health: waste management, bomb disposal, search and rescues, etc. But the prospect of having sex with Elon Musk and his fanboys? I think we’ve crossed a line there, we need to be considering the rights of these machines because they really weren’t built to endure that.”

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