Election countdown: 8 subcultures Trump needs to target in last-ditch effort to win the 2020 election

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With less than 24 hours to go until election day Donald Trump and Joe Biden continue to race across the country trying to secure their final votes. With these votes crucial in deciding what should be the election of the century here is a final list of subcultures and groups that Donald Trump could target to push his tally over the line in the race for the 270. 


Bird Lovers

Trump took a moment at the final debate to make his case to the undecided bird lovers of the nation: “I know more about wind than you do. It’s extremely expensive. Kills all the birds. Our beautiful birds. So beautiful. We love our San Clemente Loggerhead Shrike. And we love our Kirkland’s Warbler don’t we folks? With its distinctive call? So distinctive. You know Joe is planning to move a cat into the White House? They say a Biden Presidency will be very good for the fat cats of Wall Street.” The ornithophile vote has long been taken for granted by the Democratic party and if Trump successfully poaches them from under Biden it could be a decisive blow with membership of the NBLA (National Bird Lovers Association) being equal to that of the NRA.

Kink and Fetish Crowd 

It’s finally time. We predict that the champion of headline marketing, Donald Trump, will finally release the famed Golden Shower Sex Tape in an elaborate ploy to steal the kink and fetish vote. This long-speculated tape taken in a Moscow hotel could be a pivotal gambit by the President by making inroads with a community long-removed from caring what anybody thinks about them as well as helping to rehabilitate the image of an honest and transparent businessman, which Trump has spent many years trying to beat to death with whatever he has around him. Membership Kink and Festish community especially is difficult to tie down to a number but it’s not unreasonable to wonder if this could be the 2020 equivalent to 2016’s “Shy Trump Vote.”

Proud Girls

A majority of Americans are probably by now familiar with the far right militia group “The Proud Boys” but fewer are aware of their sister organization “Proud Girls.” Proud Girls are a much less structured group but are a substantial new subgroup in American politics. Recognizable by the way they awkwardly hold handguns and the fact that they seem totally unresponsive to anything resembling logic, Proud Girls are the kinds of women who believe nice guys finish last and that a real man should grab them by their pussy. They like guns, they’re patriotic, and they’ve never heard of intersectional feminism. Many of them already align with Trump ideologically, but as he is still struggling to make headway into the female demographic doubling down on this particular subculture could be a wise move, particularly with raunchy allegations of Joe Biden refusing to fade.

Robert Pattinson Fans

Famously President Trump is very invested in the career and personal life of actor Robert Pattinson and he has guaranteed his second term will see Pattinson take on “less of that A24 crap” and more blockbusters like The Batman and Tenet. “We love R-Patz, don’t we folks? And under the Trump administration he’s been doing very well. But under Obama-Biden? Remember Me? We’d like to forget that one. Cosmopolis? No thank you. The first day of a Biden Presidency, Joe is going to greenlight Water For Elephants 2 I can promise you.” Pattinson is an actor with diverse appeal, and if Trump could form a coalition between Twihards, indie film fans and blockbuster lovers, it would go a long way towards securing a second term.

People Who Want To Normalise PDA With The American Flag

Frank Ryan, 57, revealed his voting motivation: “President Trump is very open about his love for the stars and stripes. He isn’t afraid to hug the flag in front of the whole world. For men, like myself, who are sexually attracted to the American flag it’s seriously raised awareness of our cause. We’ve come a long way these past four years but there are still a lot of bigots out there who don’t believe in the love between a man and a flag.” Being the victims of untold persecution, it is unclear quite how many flag fetishists there, however the number of forum posts at www.forbiddenflagfetish.com hints at a powerful, hidden demographic, waiting to make its voice heard.

Americans Named Vladimir Putin

According to national census data there are 17 voting-eligible Americans named Vladimir Putin alive in 2020. The past four years have not been kind to anyone named Vladimir Putin as allegations have run rampant about the malevolent machinations of the notorious Russian Premiere. Vladimir Putin, 26, from Green Bay, Wisconsin, has borne the collateral from this unfortunate coincidence. “I’m actually a polyamorous, queer musician, with type 1 diabetes so you’d expect me to vote Democrat,” he confesses. “But even my closest friends have spent the last four years calling me a traitor and accusing me of rigging elections and oppressing human rights. Truthfully I have rigged an election when I made myself the supreme leader of the cult I started, but that stuff about human rights just isn’t true. It’s spirituality!” He concedes that while his heart says ‘vote Biden’, he just doesn’t feel welcome on the left, and is considering casting a protest vote for Kanye West who he thinks “gets it, man.”


Teenage Boys Who Are Impressed By Sleeping With Porn Stars And Are Voting On Behalf Of An Apathetic Relative

Although President Trump has fervently denied his affair with porn star, Stormy Daniels, for the constituency of horny teenage boys entrusted to vote by apathetic or incapable relatives, his denial is meaningless. One such youth, Jared Bennett, took time out of his packed masturbation schedule to speak: “My dad is sick and reliant on Obamacare but I’m voting for President Trump. Sleeping with a porn star is the American dream! And did you know Melania posed for Playboy too? That’s so hot!” Should the Republicans manage to harness the untapped power of teenage libido it could decide both this election and many to come.

People who think they have a bigger mask than Joe Biden.

On stage at the first presidential debate, Donald Trump acknowledged that his challenger, Joe Biden, “has the biggest mask I’ve ever seen,” and recent polling data suggests that mask size is the 18th most important issue on the ballot in 2020 with 0.69% of respondents suggesting it could be a dealbreaker for them. Brett Laughlin, a cowboy from Texas, finds the claims deeply unsettling, “I believe claims that the Vice President has the biggest mask in the country to be greatly exaggerated,” he declares. “I can confidently say that measuring in at 20×12 inches, I possess America’s biggest mask. It can damn near fit three of me – and I’m 300 pounds! I have no quarrel with the former Vice President,” he continues, “but if he doesn’t relinquish the title soon there may be a reckonin’ between us.” Similarly, Sally Gallway, a Boston librarian and former Obama voter, is another of the dozen people angry that Joe Biden is purported to have a bigger mask than their own. “It’s shameful,” she decries, “I can’t stand this politicization of basic PPE. The former Vice President should wear a normal sized mask and leave the larger masks to regular citizens like myself who only have one thing going in our life. To think that I used to think the Vice President was an honourable man.”

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