Donald Rumsfeld: He’s waterboarding angels now


Former U.S. Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld has passed away at the age of 88. Rumseld, who served under Presidents Gerald Ford and George W. Bush, is best known for his role instigating the war in Iraq, and faced heavy criticism for both the war’s flimsy pre-text and for authorising the use of “enhanced interrogation” or torture. A committed patriot to the last, Rumsfeld has departed on his final invasion, upon hearing reports that Heaven possesses weapons of mass destruction.

Speaking before his departure Rumsfeld stated: “Intelligence indicates that the Kingdom of God may possess weapons of mass destruction, capable of wiping out the entire U.S. population, coast to coast. I thereby consider it my patriotic duty to investigate these reports and ensure the security and prosperity of this great nation. It is also a priority to liberate the Kingdom of Heaven and to bring the American virtues of freedom and democracy to God’s dictatorship.”

Following Rumsfeld’s death, leaked CCTV footage has shown Rumsfeld plucking angels’ wings, heating their halos with a blow torch, bombarding them with heavy metal harp covers and committing other acts of torture and humiliation.  However Vice President Cheney came to Rumsfeld’s defence: “No, it’s not torture, putting aside the fact that heaven is a celestial territory and outside the remit of the Geneva Convention, angels aren’t human so they can’t have any human rights. There are so many unknowns, we wouldn’t know how to begin torturing angels, they might enjoy what Donald is doing!”

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