Disgusted mobster thinking about switching banks after HSBC indicted in FinCen files


A notorious mobster is reportedly disgusted to learn that his local bank of choice, HSBC, has been involved in large scale money laundering. These revelations were exposed in a recent investigation by the ICJJ and related intel dump referred to as the FinCen Files. HSBC along with Deutsche Bank, JP Morgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon, and Standard Chartered have all been accused of moving staggering amounts of money for criminals, oligarchs, and cartels despite government sanctions. This has infuriated one gangland boss who is revolted by big banks taking advantage of legal loopholes and using their influence to avoid criminal prosecution.

Ezekiel “The Baby Snatcher” Laranzatti was so upset at these revelations he came out publicly to announce his intention to switch banks. “I think it is disgusting what these mega banks are doing,” he decried. “To think I banked at HSBC because I thought they were just my local bank,” he said of the Hong Kong founded and London-based multinational. “What an affront to my integrity. These guys were actively laundering millions for autocrats and corrupt politicians and to think all I had was an everyday savings account and a small investment portfolio.” 

Laranzatti – who is allegedly one of New York’s most notorious crime lords – took the opportunity to condemn the justice system for not doing more to discourage these kinds of practices. “Lots of people have accused me of criminal behaviours, such as murder, extortion, and snatching babies, and while I’m not going to say anything that would admit liability, I will say that if I was the kind of person to do those things I would totally expect to go to jail if those crimes were ever proven. But these evil banks –  they act as if they are untouchable, without repent or repercussion. If the government and justice system won’t control them it’s time for us to vote with our dollar and let them know we’re sick of this. I can confirm that, not only am I switching banks, but I am also leaving this lawless country where justice is an afterthought and moving, immediately, to the Cayman Islands where I now choose a true local bank: Grand Cayman Bank.”

Concluding his fiery speech, Mr. Laranzatti launched one final salvo against these financial powerhouses for the disparity in how they operate between clients. “The last thing that really gets me is that they are money laundering for powerful, wealthy people. But I’m a pretty powerful guy, and pretty wealthy too, and apparently they don’t offer these services to anybody. You have to ask for it. I think it’s disgraceful. Money just doesn’t buy you anything anymore.”

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