Dershowitz: “I did not abuse children with Epstein because… I am a child”

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Former Harvard law professor, Alan Dershowitz today produced irrefutable evidence that he is innocent of child abuse, dropping the stunning revelation that he is only 13 years old.

Dershowitz, who defended Jeffrey Epstein against charges of unlawful sex with minors in 2008 has long been followed by accusations of child abuse himself, with the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell reopening the conversation once again.

“Look, first things first, there is a huge difference between pedophilia and ephebophilia,” insisted Dershowitz, who has been credibly accused of raping the then 17 year old Virginia Roberts Giuffre. “Secondly and most importantly, I cannot be guilty of child abuse because I am myself a child.”

Dershowitz, who first came to public prominence for his defense of Claus Von Bülow in 1984, continues: “I’m actually 13 years old. It’s legally impossible for me to abuse a fellow child. So for all those accusing me of child abuse, I say that you are the child abusers.”

A 1997 opinion piece in the Los Angeles Times saw Dershowitz arguing for the age of consent to be lowered to 15, something which he still stands by, even though the father of three is now below the threshold. “Of course I do! What 15 year old doesn’t want to get laid! Arguably it needs to be even lower!”

This is the latest defense from someone who is often referred to as “one of the greatest legal minds of a generation”.  Dershowitz openly admits to flying on Epstein’s private plane, dubbed the “Lolita Express” and visiting Little Saint James, the hub of Epstein’s sex trafficking circle though only once he insists. “I only went once. Now hypothetically, if one were to molest children on that island, you would imagine it to be quite an addicting, intoxicating experience. It seems illogical to me that someone could experience the giddy rush of power that only comes from violating a minor and then never go back for more. Therefore we can conclude that someone who only visited once, never had sex with children.”

Dershowitz, who previously urged Virgina Roberts Giuffre to accuse him of rape on camera for Netflix’s Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich has laid down another challenge. “Ok, yes, she did the last one,” conceded Dershowitz placidly, whilst shredding his birth certificate. “But if she really wants to be taken seriously she’ll need to go a little further. I will pinky promise that I never had sex with Ms. Roberts. Is she willing to do the same?”

When pressed on how it was possible to become a noted scholar of law while still a minor, not to mention defending OJ Simpson twelve years prior to his birth, Dershowitz was dismissive. “I’m a child genius. Did you guys never see Doogie Howser? Now why don’t you go away and pester Neil Patrick Harris about molesting children? I have hard drives to clear.”

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