DC publishes Kama Batra, the definitive outline of Batman’s sexual habits

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In an attempt to resolve the question of whether their iconic children’s comic character, Batman, performs oral sex on women, DC have published the Kama Batra, an illustrated 756 page bible which definitively outlines everything the fictional superhero does and does not get up to in the bedroom.

The comic publishing giant caused controversy earlier in the week when they cut a scene of Batman going down on Catwoman from Warner Brother’s Harley Quinn TV series with the explanation: “Heroes don’t do that.” The prospect of their hero performing oral sex could have led to untold trauma for millions of Batman’s child fans however thanks to the Kama Batra, they can sleep soundly with a comprehensive, and explicit knowledge, of exactly what heroes do do.

The tome reveals Batman’s preferred sexual position is an acrobatic feat, which involves both parties hanging upside down, known as The Bat. Whilst Batman is staunchly opposed to anal sex, delivering more than one lecture to Robin about the “perils of sodomy”, he is far from a homophobe with the Kama Batra revealing that Bruce Wayne also experimented with his sexuality whilst travelling the world, learning to fight crime. 

Warner Brothers public relations office Brian Brennan expounded: “Those early years from Bruce, he was really grieving and processing as much as he was acquiring skills. We were seeing Bruce form the Batman identity, as we were also seeing a young man mature sexually. So that’s why you might find him engaging in behavior you wouldn’t recognize in Batman these days. The Batman of 2021 doesn’t like labels, preferring to describe his sexuality as ‘Whatever Gotham needs me to be.’ But he definitely isn’t a bottom. No way.”

The bible of Batman’s sexual habits is divided up into chapters, with the Fantasy section revealing the Dark Knight’s number one fantasy is to receive a post-coital high five from his parents. This theme reoccurs in the Roleplay chapter, which reveals that Thomas and Martha Wayne scenarios are by far the most common for the Caped Crusader, although Joker and Harley Quinn make a surprising appearance in second place. The volume also provides a detailed breakdown of the many fetish themed Batsuits and the gadgets contained within Batman’s “sexual utility belt”.

For parents who may be concerned about the explicit sexualisation of a character whose fanbase is equally composed of children and emotionally stunted men, Lewis says DC have a plan. “Obviously we’re not unaware of the divide between literal children and emotional children, that’s why we have taken the initiative of dispatching our fleet of Bat-Educators to explain the Bats and the Bees to any ignorant children. That way no one is left out and parents have nothing to fear!”

Warner Brothers have revealed that other similar collections could soon be published if the volume proves successful: “For a long time people have been horny for our characters. It’s one area where fans are incredibly active and as creators we struggle to maintain ownership. Of course Tom and Jerry have active sex lives, but if we’re not out there explicitly stating that, it’s easy for things to get away from us,” explained Lewis. “This is all part of the modernization of storytelling. In the past people may have been content for there to be these large gaps in character knowledge but now audiences are more mature and they expect their characters to mature alongside them. If people want to know about the orgies inside the Mystery Machine or how exactly Bugs gives it to Lola Bunny then we have an obligation to deliver that.”

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