Coronavirus spreads to reindeer, Santa forced into brutal cull

photo by: JIm Henson


Christmas festivities have already been plunged into distress as a result of the 2020 Novel Coronavirus but now things are looking even more worrisome for many people’s favourite holiday. Over the weekend Norwegian scientists confirmed that the 2020 novel coronavirus had unexpectedly made the jump from humans to reindeer. While many friends and families were preparing to spend a rare Christmas apart as a result of strict governmental restrictions, this radical development has raised much graver concerns. 

Hundreds of millions of families have suddenly been placed at risk of infection from Santa’s reindeer as the enigmatic troupe prepare to circle the world bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls on Christmas Eve. Facing down an unmitigated disaster with only a few days to prepare it was obvious that serious and sudden action needed to be executed in order to protect the world from a catastrophic Christmas. 

Reports emanating from the North Pole suggest that a strategy team including Mr. Claus, Mrs. Claus, and the Head Elf, Big Willy, took hours deliberating over prospective solutions including the use of spells, experimental sleigh technology, road-side pickup, and even delaying Christmas. Ultimately, however, Saint Nick made to cull the reindeer population to ensure there was no chance of contagion spreading.

This decision follows a similar one taken by authorities in Denmark who felt obliged to cull their population of 17 million mink in November after the coronavirus had made the jump to the fur coat famed species.

According to eye-witness testimony the cull began at daybreak. As the sun cleared the horizon Santa called over one of his favourite Reindeer, Dasher, and hugged him tightly while whispering a few quiet words in his ear. A lone tear dropped from the corner of the old man’s eyes before he whipped out a pistol and merc’ed Dasher with a shot to the side of the head from point blank range. The pistol had been held sideways for posterity. Thus began the cull. 

Santa roared a fierce roar and jumped into his sleigh to fulfill the purge. As the sleigh urged on (this time strapped to twelve replacement moose who, despite being less agile, contributed far greater horsepower than the standard reindeer) Santa chased his quarry ruthlessly. Next came Dasher who was crushed under the sleigh. He then felled Prancer and Vixen with cold-blooded resolve. From the sides of the sleigh, fourteen of his grisliest elves, armed with Uzi submachine guns, sprayed herds of reindeer as they raced passed leaving a trail of blood and carnage across the normally glistening tundra of the North Pole. This was no ordinary cull, it was a massacre.

By eleven o’clock Santa had commandeered an M16 assault rifle, which had been intended as a gift for eleven year old New Mexican, Chad Balls. With it he slew Comet and Cupid, and Doner and Blitzen. Hundreds of other nameless reindeer continued to fall as Santa’s thirst for the cull reached an unparalleled fever pitch. His adrenaline pumping and his passions set alight Santa finally focused his gaze on the last reindeer that was still left. Miraculously, Rudolph, despite his glowing red nose, had been the only reindeer to escape the violence so far. Onwards  poor reindeer ran hoping to find a jurisdiction where he might be safe from Santa’s purge. Toward Canada he headed, never looking behind, desperately praying he had escaped his assassin. Behind him though Santa followed the glowing red nasal,, brighter even than a lighthouse, and continued to gain pace. By 5pm, well into the dark of night, jolly old Saint Nick had caught up. Rudolph heard the sharp screeching of the sleigh and the guttural whinnying of the moose but when the final blow was struck he still never saw it coming. 

As Santa stooped down to remove the axe from the side of his beloved Rudolph’s body he froze. The glowing red of the reindeer’s nose spluttered and puttered out; and maybe it was this conspicuous motif or just the horrifying efforts of the day’s cull but Father Christmas broke down. 

“The world is saved!” he roared into the night as he bitterly fought back tears. “But it is no Christmas I want any part in further.” He briefly considered adding a third line “A reindeer! A reindeer! My holiday for a reindeer!” but he felt like the moment had already passed. So he cried in silence and solitude (many of his elves having fallen from the sleigh throughout the day after receiving an elbow to face from Santa as he twisted and whirled searching for his pray).

Christmas might yet be back on the cards, though, as Jeff Bezos held off stiff competition from Elon Musk and Richard Branson to announce that he was partnering with Claus Enterprises to ensure the swift delivery of Christmas presents this year through his Amazon business. One of the major pros to the deal, he shared, was that Amazon already stocked a majority of Christmas presents anyway. With Amazon’s certified Two-Day delivery now being extended to all orders it seems a strong brand play for the world’s richest man who could have just given everyone a few hundred dollars to save the hassle in the first place.

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