Coronavirus celebrates reopening of UK pubs with a cheeky pint and flirtatious romp with thousands of anonymous partners

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This past Saturday saw the reopening on many bars and pubs across the UK after months of forced closure. Many of the 60,000+ pubs had line-ups from the early hours of the morning as the country came together to reconvene their hallowed traditions and fill the sacred halls where their Mum’s and Dad’s probably got off when they were 18. However, regular pub-goers and patriotic parliamentarians weren’t the only ones celebrating. The resident Coronavirus also managed to make it out for a cheeky pint in order to celebrate the return to “normal” and the bright future ahead.

“I was real pleased to get out for the first time in a while,” said the Coronavirus. “Since lockdown I’ve really not been able to get outside too much. It’s been very frustrating cuz I’m a social guy. I tried getting into Game of Thrones but it just didn’t really seem all that realistic and I didn’t see myself very well represented in the cast.” 

Talking about his experience at the pub on Saturday he continued, “It was a little tough at first because it was PACKED in there. I just wanted to grab a pint and say hello to a few people but it was a little tough to recognize people when some of them are wearing masks. Anyway, I was dying for a drink so I went to the bar but there there were these two big blokes who weren’t even ordering but just sort of in the way. I tried to ask them to move but I guess they didn’t hear me. I ended up having to climb all over them to get to the bar and order my drink. I had my hands all over their faces – at one point I think I had a finger in one’s ear and another in the other’s guy’s mouth. It was pretty gross. After that ordeal I got my drink but didn’t recognize anyone, and so I thought ‘fuck it, let’s see who’s feeling promiscuous’. I can’t even remember how many people I got with that night but it was probably in the thousands. Usually I’m a couple hundred a day kinda guy.” 

He concluded, “I just think the future is looking very bright for me at the minute. As I said, I do better in social situations. Always want to be the life of the party – have my name on everyone’s lips. That’s easier to do when you can go out and grab a pint.”

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