Chauvin impartial jury turns up man wearing tinfoil hat, Amazonian tribesperson yet to discover colour, and 8 year old Amish girl with no experience of the real world

Courtroom Jury Box

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After months of deliberation, the jury has finally been decided in the trial of Derek Chauvin, the former Minneapolis police officer accused of murdering George Floyd, and the result has yielded a colourful cast of jurors in this culturally resonant case. The process of selecting a jury in any trial of this magnitude is difficult as prospective jurors are required to be impartial, meaning they should have little to no knowledge of the case they’re adjudicating. In the year 2021, this has effectively disqualified anyone with an internet connection. Thus, the final jury selection has thrown together a group of characters out of a PT Barnum show.

Indeed the first juror did come from a Barnum & Bailey circus, where he worked until it’s dissolution in 2017. Known as “The Man With No Eyes,” this enigmatic entertainer would skilfully juggle his career and personal life while being pepper sprayed by a midget named Nando. The Man With No Eyes was a crowd favourite for many years before it was discovered that he had no personal life and Nando wasn’t really a midget. After that he was forced to switch to working the popcorn stand. 

Another of the more remarkable jurors is an Amazonian tribesperson who had been on tour in the United States offering a remarkable glimpse into a culture that is yet to discover colour. The tribes-person, who speaks no English and can only see in shades of gray, had been introduced at various universities and was nearly cancelled at another after they failed to denounce systematic racism. While this Amazonian emissary was not a US citizen, arrangements were quickly made by the Biden administration to offer them immediate citizenship, allowing them to participate as a juror and also concluding an obscure foreign policy target. 

Other jurors include a guy literally wearing a tinfoil hat, a celebrity actor renowned for his work as a law enforcement officer in the Die Hard series, a pair of albino twins from rural Montana, the rebellious son of a Indian Chief, and the most overweight women in the United States, who, the judge has agreed, is allowed to represent two voters at once. Additionally, a ghost has been drafted into the jury box in order to represent the perspective of “the other side.” The final juror turned out to be an 8 year old Amish girl with basically no experience of the world.

The young Mennonite will be accompanied by one of her seventeen older brothers on the condition that he neither influence her opinion on the case nor find himself on Pornhub at any point during the trial. While children are usually exempt from jury duty, the girl seemed very keen and had a note from her mother allowing her to make the trip to Minneapolis and adjudicate as a representative for the whole family. Asked what she thought could solve racism and police violence in America, she responded “Carrots. Carrots and sauerbraten”. Despite her naivety, reports have it that she is very excited to witness someone stoned to death as ritual honour killing is still very important in her culture. 

Before the final selections were made the defence was successfully able to expel several prospective jurors mainly for being black, which, they argued, was unfair because “they might have already sussed this one out.” A swathe of other prospective jurors were also ruled out after they turned out to be various members of George Floyd’s near and extended family in several disguises. George’s Floyd’s mom made it closest to the final selection having dressed up as a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

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