Celebrity breaks down approaching hour 16 of social media silence


A minor celebrity was hospitalized this afternoon as they approached hour 16 of a global protest against hate, propaganda, and misinformation. The 24 hour social media stunt – where major celebrities and a few of your annoying instagram friends vowed to stay off their social media accounts – has seen the likes of Orlando Bloom, Kim Kardashian West, Katy Perry, Leonardo diCaprio, and Borat silence their channels in protest against the companies who, in some cases, literally pay their fortunes. The protest, inspired by the success of the July campaign for major companies to pull advertising dollars away from Facebook and Instagram has been well received but it has not come without cost.

Influencer and music video star, Halle Cherry, was a keen participant in today’s protest – something she mentioned countless times through several Stories, Posts, DM’s and Lives shortly before she logged out. However the novel form of objection took a toll on the celebrity when she suffered a nervous breakdown after 15 hours and 52 minutes. She was rushed to hospital by her on-again-off-again boyfriend, country rapper, Lil Lyle, where she was sedated with tranquilizer and forced to watch a nature documentary as doctors raced to unlock her phone. 

According to Lyle, the commitment had started off well after Cherry slept for 10 straight hours. Once she woke up, however, trouble soon started. From her bed she realized she couldn’t immediately check her Likes and DM’s – a habit that had become as clockwork as rolling over after the first alarm – which wrought a paralyzing state of dread. Unsure if she was still in vogue and lost with what to do with herself she meandered into a wall before settling down in the kitchen with an ice pack. From there her nervous system settled into a terrible and turbulent rhythm. Morning yoga became a lost cause without a legion of fans following along. Choosing clothes became a chore with no one to compliment her style or ass. Even drinking water lost its edge with no ability to boomerang the sips. Approaching hour fourteen Cherry had sequestered herself in her room where she suffered seizures and attempted to scribble a fictional audience onto her wall with a lipstick she couldn’t advertise. The final blow was struck when she went for a walk and started yelling “Do we even exist?!?” at squirrels who mainly glared back at her.

Friends and people who were still actually using social media were quick to draw attention to this breakdown as symptomatic of the harmful psychological re-wiring that social media apps have wrought. One critic tweeted, “This is the future as designed by Zucker. Take the blue pill and open your eyes. Switch to TikTok.”

In a brief statement from the office of Mark Zuckerberg (who owns both prominent social media companies), he decried the inhumanity of limiting human connectedness. “A social media blackout such as this is cruel and only deepens the issues we are facing. These are major psychological issues and just withholding social media interaction isn’t a holistic cure for people disenfranchised with our broken society. In our view we should be encouraging connectivity by building safe connection sites where insecure and attention seeking people can engage with clean filters and anonymous DMs with help from trained counselors.”

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