Canada drops to 15 in world happiness rankings; blames Covid-19, the USA, the internet, the death of Alex Trebek


According to the latest edition of the World Happiness Report, Canada is no longer the happy go-lucky nation of beaver-scouting, syrup connoisseurus you’d be led to believe. In the 2021 release of the popular report, Canada has fallen five places to #15 in the global rankings. In fact, Canada has fallen every year since they placed #6 in 2016 and now suffers the ignominy of being the fastest falling developed country in the world. After the report was published, the Canadian Government quickly released a detailed statement explaining what was behind the sudden drop in their nation’s happiness levels. Their reasons: the USA, Covid-19, the internet, and Alex Trebek’s death.

The statement, titled What is Happiness?, described the effect that the passing of Jeopardy host Alex Trebek had on the nation. “Last year we lost an idol, a titan of Canadian broadcasting. A man who faced every question, but had every answer. From the CBC Broadcast Room to hosting some of our favourite programs: Music Hop, Strategy, I’m Here Til 9,  and, who could forget, Pillsbury Bake Off, every Canadian was personally and intimately touched by Alex Trebek. He may have crossed the border, like all our best stars do, but his fame and legend remain Canadian thanks to his time on Hockey Night Canada- oh wait, no, he didn’t do that one. Anyway, we weep, just like we did for Gord Downey, and just like we will one day for Michael Buble.”

Moving beyond nostalgia, they went on to blame Covid-19 for being “a real downer, eh?”, positing that Canadians were uniquely susceptible to the virus because of their culture of physical touch. “We’re huggers,” expressed an enthusiastic Justin Trudeau, when asked about what had been meant. “Like many Canadians, whether it’s a great friend, a new acquaintance, or the honorable leader of the opposition whose name I have already forgotten, I greet every single person with a great big bear hug, and then kisses on both cheeks and a punch in the gut if they come from Quebec. It’s just the Canadian way.”

The government also arrived at the conclusion that the internet was responsible for the downtick in happiness. In their impression, the internet is “very confusing” and something they “don’t like at all.” Furthermore, they expressed concern that the presence of “the trolls and elves and orcs which dwell in cyberspace” was making Canadians not only nervous but sad too.

The statement continued to list various roots and causes for the decline in happiness before laying a final portion of blame on their neighbors from the south: the USA. While therein lay many particular complaints that touched on race relations, immigration, lunatics with guns, and the former president, who was generally despised, their issue with the United States was best summed up with the metaphor that Canadians felt like the Charlie Murphy to the United States’ Rick James from that classic Chappelle Show sketch.

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