British immigrants see tennis as easiest route to acceptance

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A recent study has revealed that up to 90% of immigrants see some kind of sporting victory as essential to their integration into British society. The study follows Emma Raducanu’s US Open triumph, which transformed the tennis star, born in Canada to Chinese and Romanian parents, from “bloody immigrant” to “beloved Brit” overnight.

Tennis leads the field as the sport which most UK migrants believe would validate them in the eyes of native Britons, and at which they would have a viable chance of success. 

Whilst it might seem ridiculous that someone needs to succeed at the highest level of sport in order to prove their validity as a human being, this is a remarkable concession for a country where the previous threshold for integration was “Invent time travel, then fight in the battle of Hastings and live here for the following millennia.” Edward King, a 56 year old man who describes himself as a “staunch Brexiteer” and “proud Englishman” validates the theory: “Britain is full. I’ve had it with refugees, immigrants and foreigners taking our bloody jobs. But we can always do with more winners! Welcome home Emma!”

While for some the prospect of an end to discrimination is a great incentive, it has also led to increased anxiety amongst refugees who already face palpable hostility from the native population. Abdel Fauoud, a seven year old child from Syria, sleeps only three hours a night due to fears that his weak backhand could see him deported. 

Raducanu’s Open success has also inspired Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who plans to build the UK’s post-Brexit economy on a foundation of “world-beating world champions.” Johnson congratulated Raducanu on her success, extending an invitation: “We’re all deeply, deeply proud of Emma, showcasing those uniquely British virtues of perseverance and excellence. As a result, on behalf of the country, as a show of our tremendous pride and gratitude, the Home Office is officially withdrawing its multiple hyphens and inviting the Canadian-Chinese-Romanian-British champ to instead refer to herself as a 100% British tennis whizz!”

Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau; President of Romania, Klaus Iohannis and President of China, Xi Jinping have extended similar offers to claim Raducanu as their own to which Johnson barks: “Back off you maple syrup glugging, vampire communists! She’s ours! Emma Raducanu is as British as baked beans! As Churchill! As the Queen herself!”

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