Boris Johnson stresses that there was no reason to act on Russian interference since Russia not actually part of the EU

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This week the long awaited investigation into Russian election meddling in the UK was finally released by the British Government. After a period of seven months, during which the government refused to publish the controversial report for no insightful reason, the report has finally dropped and contains serious allegations about the competence of the government and its intelligence agencies. Among the most explosive allegations is that the UK government made no effort to investigate Russian interference in the EU referendum. 

Today PM Boris Johnson publicly rebuked the findings of the report and declared them irrelevant. Defending the Russian Federation, Mr Johnson implied that espionage and election interference are regular facets of any interstate relationship. “Russia is like a buxom wife who is a restless sleeper. A cherished partner and usually quite lovely to bunk with, but who sometimes flails around and punches you in the face when trying to get a good night’s sleep. You can’t fault them for that but you understand that they need to do some work.” 

The Prime Minister then went on to explain that since Russia isn’t part of the EU it simply wouldn’t be worthwhile to conduct any investigations. “Explain to me why we should care whether a country like Russia, which is not part of the European Union, wants us to stay in or rightfully leave? You don’t think we conduct investigations against the elite spy forces of the pacific island nation of Vanuatu,” he declared confidently.

Continuing his incredible defense of the Cameron and May governments which preceded his, Johnson stumbled on. “The bigger issue surely, is whether or not there might have been countries within the EU who were interfering in our elections so that we might vote ‘Remain’. Now that would be a manipulative betrayal of their impartiality and our trust. That would be like having a wife, who is not buxom, that holds out on making breakfast in order to coerce you into having Bojo-Mojo time with her.”

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