Bill Gates reveals Epstein “regrets”

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Microsoft Founder Bill Gates has finally addressed his long-standing friendship with the notorious pedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, revealing his “regrets” in a new interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “It’s just a huge mess all round and I don’t think anybody really left Little Saint James with much credit. If you were to ask me for my regret though, I would say it’s the fact that they were children. If these was an island full of fully grown women having sex with some of the world’s most powerful individuals then nobody would bat an eye. But unfortunately it was children and so we end up with this big mess and it’s just a load of press nobody really needs.”

Cooper then asked whether a friendship with one of the world’s most infamous sex offenders was perhaps equally unnecessary, however Gates was unwavering. “On a personal level, perhaps I may have regretted associating with Jeff but you have to look at it within context. I’m not just Bill Gates, Harvard dropout. I’m Bill Gates, head of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, one of the leaders in the global fight against malaria. And a lot of malaria experts hung out on Jeff’s island. So to cut myself off from that resource, just because of a few children, would have been incredibly narcissistic. In fact, a lot of the experts were children! It was kind of a Doogie Howser situation. What you need to understand is that as well as being an hub of one of the world’s largest sex trafficking syndicates, Little Saint James was also a real hub of malaria research and I don’t think the two need be associated.”

Gates did eventually relent when Cooper pointed out just how many times his names appeared on the infamous “Lolita Express” flight logs: “In retrospect, conducting so many business meetings on Pedophile Island was a bad choice. Even if my motivations were pure, I probably should have looked into alternate venues. If I could only go back in time, I’d just say ‘Jeff, let’s do this one at Olive Garden instead.’

At this point in the interview Gates pulls out a handkerchief and blows his nose theatrically. “I don’t want to seem like I’m dismissive or I’m not haunted by the stories of these poor young women. Every night I’m kept awake, plagued by the questions of whether I could have done anything different. In many ways it destroyed my marriage. I think as a society we’re all responsible in many ways. Metaphorically, we have all spent time with our own metaphorical Jeffrey Epsteins. Alright, it was literal in my case but should I be punished for that? Since divorcing Melinda and moving in with my fellow bachelors Kanye West and Hologram Robert Kardashian, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. How can I translate this guilt into something practical? I think we all need to look at the way we’ve descended into finger pointing, ignoring that a lot of wealthy, influential people have had to come to terms with the fact that one of their friends is a pedophile and then that he committed suicide. It’s almost like losing him twice. You’d have to have a lot of mental fortitude to withstand that and yet it’s something nobody is talking about. Consequently, I’m announcing a new charity single: “No Regrets” by Bill, Bob and Yeezy, featuring R Kelly, with all the proceeds going to the Friends of Jeffrey Epstein Foundation to help them overcome their trauma.”

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