Biden preemptively apologizes for invading Afghanistan again



As the U.S. prepares to end its two decade long occupation of Afghanistan and withdraw all military forces, President Biden has apologized for the invasion calling it “one of the necessary facts of life, Jack.”

The decision to withdraw has proved controversial on all sides, with pointed accusations that the country is being abandoned to the Taliban, however Biden’s press conference provided a brief respite with many confused over the President’s use of future tense: “Invading Afghanistan, man, that’s one of the biggest mistakes I’m ever gonna make, Mack, and I’m real sorry but we’re gonna do it. It’s gonna take a long, long time to stabilize that region after we invade.”

Some have speculated that the President was once again confused about what year he was in, however Biden seemed uncharacteristically lucid as he spoke about ending the long running occupation: “I said we’ll get troops out of Afghanistan and you can take that to the bank, Mack, because, Ma Biden, she didn’t raise no liar. Now I always said, and I believe it, promises are worth- they ain’t worth- and you take the hopes in one hand and the- see which one fills up faster. But listen up, we might be going but we’re going to be just round the corner, cause the Taliban? Well they’re going to be over the country like white on rice. So you best believe we’re gonna be back with a vengeance if Obama- if Osama starts any of his malarkey.  I’m talking about terrorism here. The Taliban. This invasion is going to be one of the worst things in the history of our collective countries but we are prepared to do it. I will not hesitate and… I’m real sorry man.”

Biden’s conference featured another bizarre tangent, threatening Russia to stay out of Afghanistan. “And I mean it when I say we’re just going to be round the corner, so Putin, you just stay outta there man! We ain’t living together but you don’t go taking another guy’s girl man. Where I come from that ain’t right. We’re going to be talking to the Taliban and if we hear you ain’t treating her right there’s gonna be war man. Cause she’s a damn princess.”

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